That's how i feel today. Perhaps it's monday blues, perhaps it's pms...or maybe, it's just reality. I AM old... it's just hitting me today because i FEEL old. Don't get me wrong. There're plenty of things i'm thankful for...i'm especially thankful that my monday timetable for this term is pretty light. At least i have a good reason to drag myself to school on a monday morning. But then...suddenly today, i feel like i've lost momentum for teaching. It's just so..tiring. Draining. Both emotionally and physically. You know how i know i feel old? Cos i'm too tired to even flare up at students. I'm close to not caring anymore. To some extent, i wish i had someone else's life. Where i was happily married and spending my time disciplining and cleaning up after my own children and not screaming and chasing after hundreds of other children who are not mine. I mean, it all sounds nice and meaningful you know, oh, teaching, investing in the lives of others...molding a new generation....yadayada...but really, i wonder, how many lives have i actually managed to change?? Every year with each new batch of students, it just feels tougher. It sucks when i go into my 4NT class and face a bunch of students who act more like gangsters, sleep in class, eat in class, talk when you talk...and altogether make me feel like a fool talking to myself. Somehow, they have this knack of making me feel like i'm wasting my time, and wasting theirs as well. It's so DIFFICULT trying to think of ways to make lessons more interesting for them. There's only so much i can do, and so LOUD i can go with my bad throat. I'm beginning to think i'm never going to recover. HOW can i when i have to use my voice everyday to shout and scream at people who don't give a damn about me??!

I'm so tired. And it's hardly even been 3 years. I want out. And yet, i can't even think of another job i can do, or that i can be good at. Not that i'm even good at what i do now. Just wanna go live on another planet for a while.

What's happening to people these days?? The new generation we're supposed to be molding. Countless times i've seen students smoking in broad daylight outside. In void decks. Outside shopping centres. Acting like nothing is wrong. Young children even. No older than P5 or P6. Puffing away at the disgusting stick in their hands. So many measures we have, but do any of them actually work?? Pastoral lesson, counselling sessions, smoking clinics, meet-the-parents sessions...do they even make a difference?? Let me tell you what happens in these scenarios.

Pastoral lesson - students tell you what they know you want to hear as responses to societal issues. Do they give a damn? No. Do they even believe what they say? No.

Counselling sessions - students attend because they have to. No choice. They sit thru wat you have to say and put on a patronising face, only because if they don't, there'll be more trouble. But do they really internalise what you say? No. They'd absent themselves at every opportunity, just WAITING for the stipulated no. of sessions to end, so that they can just get back to whatever offence they committed. Only this time, they'd be more careful NOT to get caught.

Smoking clinics - They pay the fine unwillingly. Darn, less money to buy cigarettes now. Nevermind, maybe that nice (read:evil teen-abuser) uncle will sell me cheap cigarettes at an even lower price since i've been such a regular customer. What happens at the talks/counselling? see above.

(FYI - there exists a certain class of useless and evil bums who obtain cigarettes probably thru illegal means and maintain an underhand business by making it accessible to young underaged youths. And yes, news spreads such that MANY of these youths are getting cigarettes real cheap and easy.)

Meet-the-parents sessions - School calls up parents with the hope of collaboration, so that students can be disciplined and monitored at home by their parents, and so that parents are aware of what's happening to their child. What happens? Parents come down and we find out to our dismay that there's nothing they can do to their child. Some are aware of what their child is up to, but admit they have no control whatsoever over their child and pleads with the school to do something. Other extreme cases are more than willing to hand their child over to the Juvenile Court/Boys' or Girls' Home. Still others have no idea what has been happening and frankly cannot be bothered. They have given up or have better things to do.

Seriously, in view of these things, i'm not too keen to have children of my own anymore. I'm afraid of what they'll turn out to be.

So....this is the state of the 'to-be-molded'....how abt the 'molders'?
Just look at the newspapers.

Married t_______r has an affair with s______t and yadayada...

ok, let's not look at newspapers then. Let's look at real life. People we know. T______s are sleeping ard with fellow T_______s. Nevermind if they are single. But they're not. They're married. And these are people i know. People married with young children. How can they do that to their spouses and children, and yet teach students about morality?? Everytime i see the female at the desk of the male, my blood boils. My mind screams. "ADULTERER!!...*$@%^#**!!" It takes a certain amount of self-control to not shoot her dirty looks. How can they be so naive to think that nobody knows about their sordid affair?? They must be living in their own bubble. Even students have asked me if there's anything between them. They try to hide it you know. Like they always purposely leave at different times, discreetly. WHILE on the phone together. The one in front shooting surreptitious glances behind to see if the other is following. And then, they hang around together in the vicinity of the school. In a park at night of all places. All this, seen by students. Please, do they think people are stupid? I suppose hanging ard the estate is better than hanging ard either of their homes in case family members catch them right?

A generation to be molded? BAH. 'Molders' as good examples? double BAH.

Students these days are so different. Was privvy to a yelling match outside the staffroom just now. You know what students these days do? They hide in the toilet in order to miss lessons, and they spend the entire time smsing or talking on their hps, which they are not allowed to bring. What's more, they bully their classmates into lying to the teacher about their absence from class. And when caught, there is not only not a single trace of remorse, there is, instead, defiance and a great deal of talking back to the infuriated teacher who is red in the face from yelling. Upon the teacher's exit, the defiant student storms out, scattering nosy students gathered outside to watch the 'show', and hissing out vulgarities at any fellow student who should block her way or should dare to mutter any comment about what had just transpired.

THIS is the generation to be molded huh?

There's a chinese saying....a literal translation would be to hurl an egg at a rock. That's what comes to mind when i think abt the generation we are to mold. A useless effort. Mite as well bang my head on the wall.