30 June 2005
posted by j at 6/30/2005 11:09:00 AM

I've always known this world is unfair, unfair, unfair. Still, even having known that fact for the longest time, every bit of unfairness still hits me squarely in the eye and makes things so hard to swallow... HOw to be meek?? How to be like Jesus?? How to let sleeping dogs lie??

It's probably hard to believe that such injustice and lack of fairplay exists in an educational institute, but it does. Oh boy, it does! Racism is rampant in this place, to extents that people wouldn't even believe it possible. Basically, if you are i......, young, pretty, you get away with everything. Or actually, just being i...... is enough. Look, even i...... who are not in this institute get better treatment than us regular folks! I could tell you stories of all these till the cows come home and still there'd be more coming.... I feel so wei qu now, i dunno wat i'd rather do first: scream and wail out loud in the middle of the staff room or just cry.

I've just been asked to swap duties with this i..... lady. Arrrgh. Swap??? For once this year, i've been made a 'reserve' for the GCE oral exams. Yes, altho that means i have to be 'on call' and take over the duties of anyone who absents themselves without getting a replacement, i figure chances of that wouldn't be very high. So overall, i was happy with what i was given because i was down for 10 days of oral last year and it was so terribly tiring. I had no time to prepare lessons or even mark anything! This woman complains just becos she gets 8 days of oral, says she has no time, goes to the Head and BAM! I get her duties while she gets away scot free. Bear in mind that she did NONE of the orals last year while the rest of us slogged. It's so UNFAIR!! IS SHE GONNA DO MY MARKING AND MY LESSONS THEN???

This same person ripped my work 2 terms ago. We both started this job at the same time. After more than a year, she still had no idea how to set a paper. Out of the kindness of my heart, i lent her the paper which i set for my sec 4 class. This was on the day our papers were DUE TO BE HANDED UP. She asked me to look thru the paper that she set and that's when i pointed out that certain sections were irrelevant. So she borrowed my paper and my assessment book for reference. Promised to return it later that day. I mean, the deadline was that day itself rite?? How would i know she'd bring my stuff home, then send me a lame sms to say she ACCIDENTALLY brought my stuff home?? How in the world do i accidentally bring something so big home?? The next day, she had the nerve to leave a POST-IT....a POST-IT???!! She din even have the guts to tell me in my face!! OR LIE rather... Know wat she said? She asked if she could use MY PAPER for her sec 3 class because she CLAIMED her computer crashed... HUH! Does she actually think people would believe that??? I should have just made a fuss but i didn't.

She's stepped on other colleagues' tails too apparently. We're all supposed to source for reading articles for a specific level and to set questions for the students. She and i are supposed to alternate. Which is already half the workload compared to last year. Last year, i had to do it all year round by myself. So i was pretty happy with the arrangement. Last term, she was supposed to do it. Know wat she did?? She told the printing lady (who HAPPENS to be i..... too) to rip the articles off another colleague who was doing articles for an entire different level. Without even letting that colleague know she was 'borrowing' her stuff. So my poor, unknowing friend had for the longest time diligently sourced for stuff, brought it to the printing lady for printing, not knowing that when her back was turned, the printing lady was going to zap a copy of her work, use liquidpaper to change the level of students it was for, and eventually print it for unintended readers. It wasn't till students started wondering why they were given the same articles, that the whole thing came to light. Instead of being ashamed, this big baby makes a scene as if the world is against her, blames the one she ripped work from saying that she 'bao to' her, and declares that reading articles are the least of her priority and that she's too busy to do it! CAN YOU BELIEVE HER??? LIKE WE'RE VERY FREEE LOR! AARRRGHHHH!!! I'M SOO ANGRY I WANT TO SCREAMMMM!!!

Dun feel hungry anymore. upset.
 
22 June 2005
posted by j at 6/22/2005 04:33:00 PM

I finally decided to go up the creaky stairway leading to the dark attic in which kept all my memories, the good and the bad. Finally decided to clear the many layers of cobwebs surrounding the thoughts and feelings i once had, the lessons i once learnt, and yet forgotten in the busyness of work and pursuit of pleasure. I should have done that a long time ago, should have continually done it from time to time, but didn't.

And as I lay my hands on the huge, rusty chest covered with dust and cobwebs, certain memories rose up to greet me and to fill my mind. Memories of past struggles, of tears and sorrow, of anguish and despair. Yet, as i lifted the lid of the chest and gazed upon its precious contents, i remembered other things. Things which gave me hope, victory, and a reason to go on living and learning. I remembered things which i should have continually kept in my mind and thanked God for, but had for various reasons forgotten and left behind in the attic, in that rusty old chest.

And i was grateful. Each time i came back to the attic and remembered the contents of the chest, i was thankful. Even to the point of shame, that it had taken me this long to come back. Taken me this long to deign to remember God's goodness.

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Today, as i 'spoke' with a friend, i was reminded of how long it's been since i remembered God's goodness in my life. I reminded that friend of God's goodness and how He gives us grace even when we take a wrong step, if only we repent of our sins and turn back to Him. And as i reminded this friend of these truths i knew to have been so real in my life at some point of time, it made me think about times long ago when i clung on the God with all my might because there was no other way to go. And as i 'spoke', the words seem to take on a life of its own to me. With strength and conviction, these words came. And i recognized once again, the power that comes with God's promises in His word. Without God, our memories would only have the tears, sorrow, defeat and hopelessness. Perhaps with some measure of worldly happiness. Without God, memories would remain as it is, a past. With no future.

Who i am today, is a result of my struggles, of slowly surrendering certain things that were dear to me, to God. Who God purposes us to be eventually, will be a result of constant struggling, constant surrendering to His Lordship in every area of our lives. These i have experienced and learnt: That God loves us and wants to build us up. And in doing so, He has prepared lessons for us to learn. How painful these lessons will be depends on how willing we are to let go and let God. And if we decide to not learn that lesson at that point of time, God will persist and it may get more painful the next time round. I have also learnt that if we choose the path of disobedience wilfully, we walk out of His will and we would have to face the consequences. But the good news for us is, our gracious God gives us grace to face the consequences and to do better, if only we turn back to Him. I cannot imagine a life without Him, cannot imagine getting over bad times without knowing that i have hope beyond this life and the bad things that come with it.

i'm sorry, God, that i've forgotten Your goodness for so long. It felt good to be back in the attic. To remember.

Love,
Dory