Sigh. Am gonna attempt to pen down what i've been feeling and what has been going through my head for the past week.

Been feeling removed. Yeah, think that's the word. Feel like a plant which realized what pleasant surroundings it has been growing in, glad for the pleasant sense of belonging, but have recently been uprooted from those surroundings and removed from that sense of belonging. Yes, while i still may be in that forest and not bundled up to be sold or burnt, still feel...you know...removed. Rather unwanted. Suddenly things that i'm unable to do or enjoy with certain people stands out in stark contrast. Suddenly i'm not quite as similar or part of that group anymore. Suddenly, the realization is there, that hey, people can and do enjoy things when i'm not there. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. And i dun expect it to. But i guess it hurts when you feel disposable and replaceable.

Sterotypes...customs...traditions... Think these could be the undoing of us humans. Who says dessert must come after dinner? Who says we must get married and have children at a certain age? Who says women must always look pretty? Who says we have to go out friday nights? Yeah well. Came to the sudden realization that i've been spending friday nights with pretty much the same people. This realization only came when lo and behold, these people decided to have a night out without me and i found myself clueless and activityless. And as luck would have it, it had to be the day which would have been the anniversary of a relationship, should i have decided to stick on with that certain person. Ha. Life has a wonderful way of coming to such a head, doesn't it?

So anyways, my solution to my problem was to distance myself from that group and go find other ways of occupying myself. So that i wouldn't be left high and dry when it happened again, and so that i could protect myself from hurt. Ya well. You may say its something trivial. Ah, but let me assure you, this can be pretty big when you're in it. Perhaps at some level i even felt betrayed. Yah yah...i know i know... its stupid...but weil, there you have it.

So the past week, i have been pretty much trying to put my plan into action. Distance. It's been pretty hard i guess. Trying to act like nothing is wrong and pretending to laugh and joke. Hate confrontation. So when asked what's wrong, because i dun quite know wat to say (how to verbalise my paranoia and stupidity, even though i really believe it??) i chose to ignore. Whether it was calls or smses. Been trying very hard to find things to occupy my time. But i guess it gets lonely. Especially when a large group of them are going away, while i'll be home alone cos my family will be going on a trip for more than two weeks. Now that i think of it, the house is rather big. Gonna hate the nights man. ARrrgh. And the housework just puts me off. The past week of cleaning the entire house has been back-breaking work. Soon i shall have to do all that by myself. Getting sick of outside food. And eating alone.

Know something weird about me? I guess i kinda indirectly expect people to know wats up with me. Unreasonable huh? You see, I hate telling people what i'm upset about because then the next time the issue comes up and people do certain things to rectify the problem, i get sensitive and feel like i'm being pitied. I think thoughts like, "They're just doing it cos of what i said. If I didn't say so, they wouldn't have." And then i feel like perhaps they dun really mean to. It's just to make things better and less awkward or just to put up with my childishness. Sux huh? So that's why i dun like to tell people when anything is wrong. Either they know it or they dun. Dun wanna be pitied or patronised.

Yeah well. So that's how my mind has been working. Whether it's right or wrong is not the issue. Cos when you have thoughts like these eating inside you, no right thing you hear is gonna change the way your mind tends to think. Freak.