Fear reveals what's in your heart.

This is something i experienced firsthand today. It is also how we react in times of fear that shows us where we stand with God and what place He holds in our lives. I think, in today's mini-test God had for me, I failed quite badly. It wasn't till i reflected afterward about how i failed to go immediately to God that i realized how little regard I have for God. Have to strive hard to achieve my new year resolution to run first to God.

Today, my mum called out of the blue and asked where my dad was. He was out and was apparently uncontactable. Mum said she received a msg from dad dated today, saying that he was in pain and was going to A&E. The msg also asked her to call him when she got the msg. So she called him but no one picked up. Tried calling him many times myself, but couldn't get him either. I panicked. Started to have all sorts of wild thoughts and started frightening myself. Even automatically started planning for what-ifs. Wondering how to cancel or postpone music practice for the night, who to get to drive dad's car home if it came to that, how to fetch mum home....etc. Even thought of calling NUH to find out if my dad was there. Got very stressed and bad-tempered. After 45 min of hu si luan xiang-ing, i finally got my dad on the phone...."WHERE ARE YOU??!" was what i greeted him with, in an almost high-pitched voice. Was so anxious. Turned out he was out jogging??!!? Wanted to scold him liao. JOGGING???! In his condition samore. Sigh. Then again, i think so i'm that kind too.

M1 has been playing some tricks on me. But this one really tops it all off.

The relief that washed over me just then was almost tangible. Could almost feel it slipping off. Yet, at the same time, i felt this ridiculous urge to laugh and cry and kick something. Then, almost immediately, i felt tired and drained. Getting too old for this kind of emotional roller coaster.

When I felt better able to think, i felt ashamed. And dismayed. Why had i not sought God first? My fear revealed my heart. My heart was not with God. I am discouraged and grieved. Is my faith so shallow? Nevertheless, i am resolved not to give up. I thank God for the revelation. I'm sorry i failed the test. But i will continue to try. To strive towards what i resolved to do at the beginning of the new year. To run to God first.