Ever wondered if perhaps your life is really just a cyclical repeat of certain all-too-familiar patterns? That maybe the vaguely interesting life you have is really just the same story being repeated in slight variations. Sometimes, when i get into a slump, i am reminded of how similar this slump is to the previous one, and the one before that...Sometimes it makes me think i'm just doing something wrong over and over again.

Sometimes i wish i were the type whose head ruled over my heart. Then i'd probably not get into as many scrapes as i do and get burnt so many times. Sometimes it's really like what the Bible says. I do what i ought not do and i don't do what i know i ought to do. Many times i get the feeling that because God knows how useless i am at making the right decision, He often just makes decisions for me, or makes it such that the situation allows for no other choice. Just so i couldn't make the wrong decision even if i wanted to. I guess i should have nothing to complain about then. But what i don't understand is why, when i give up hoping that something will happen (that i deem is not right, yet i still wish something would come out of it - a sinner i am) because the situation doesn't allow otherwise, then it seems that the situation turns itself round and gives me false hope once again. It's almost like some cruel, invisible hand is playing me like a yo-yo. Like someone holding a hand out to me, then withdrawing. And when u slowly but painfully come to terms with it, the hand seems to come back out again, tempting and giving hope. And though it could, in all likelihood, be a false hope, I still yearn to take that hand. I always ask myself, why oh why, can i not bring myself to just turn my face away from what could potentially hurt? Even such a small glimmer of hope is sufficient to make me lose my head. Sux.

Somebody somewhere is playing a cruel joke on me.

Don't want to think about things, nor talk, because i find that it doesn't seem to help me the way talking about other things help. Don't wanna feel condemned or judged either should i talk to anyone. Don't have the energy to do much either. Just feel like withering away into oblivion. Feel also like going away. Been thinking about going for further studies. Have always not had the guts to go abroad for so long, but think this might give me the pluck i need for a headstart. I dunno. Perhaps when i wake tomorrow, this desire would be far from my mind. Perhaps on another day, things will be beautiful again and i will no longer feel the need to leave. Maybe i'm just being weepy and dramatic. Arrrrgh! Dun wanna think anymore.