Sometime during the first painful lesson of the day (every thu this term has been painful from 8 to 9.10am because of the class i have to teach), something occurred to me. One may call it an epiphany of sorts. It suddenly struck me that in order to survive, emotionally and mentally, in teaching, one had to truly believe in the innate goodness of people in general. It may sound unbelievable and naive to some, i know, but i really dun see how else one can survive in this profession in Singapore at least. Can't really speak for other countries cos never been there.

Many say that the money in teaching is good. Here, at least. But believe me, if u were a teacher, u'd find that the money is still not proportional to the amount of work and crap u have to suffer. In all honesty, in view of the workload, admin and wat-nots, the money ain't good at all. That is why, the many who come into teaching for money's sake often barely survive the 3 years bond. Many would rather break the bond and keep their sanity. Which is an irony, considering they came in for money.

I can't help but feel very strongly, that something is very wrong somewhere in our education system. Many measures are being taken all the time, but none address the root of the problems that arise. I can't even point a finger at what exactly the problem is, but it is clear to me that all our so-called solutions are only weak attempts to cover up superficial wounds. So much so, that these measures when seen in proper perspective, are really ridiculous and illogical. Take the government's decision to implement short teaching stints at schools. Seems logical right? I mean, no bond problems, in a few months these 'teachers' know whether teaching is their cup of tea. And maybe in making teaching more accessible to the general public, the government might discover some hidden talents? But all these only attempt to address surface level problems! Why don't they ask why teachers would rather break their bonds than stay on?? Raising the salary alone doesn't solve the problem!

One thing i hate about the system now, is how it has become so organisational and mercenery. Somehow, in my utopian world, schools should be far from being money-making organisations. It just should not be tainted with values of the money-making world. I'm discouraged and am seriously thinking of leaving when the time comes.

Back to the innate goodness of mankind. Yes, in order to survive in teaching, you have to believe that deep down in every student is a tiny little person who wants to do good. The moment u stop believing that, you give up hope in the student, and teaching loses its meaning for u. As i said before, money is just not sufficient a motivation to survive in teaching. What then, is left? The belief that somewhere, somehow, that little person in every students exists. The hope that one day this student might respond to your desperate attempts to reach out to him or her.

I was speaking to one student today. A boy. One 'problem' amidst a host of 6 other 'problems'. At the expense of missing lesson with another class, because i just HAD to address his behaviour before too much time had passed. As i tried to reason with him nicely in a desperate attempt to find a sob story or the likes to explain away his rebelliousness, i was aware of a nagging thought - What if all that was happening was not a student in a long, slow process of 'conversion'?? What if he was just playing on my naive character and taking me for a ride? And maybe when he returned to class, he and his accomplices would gather for a good laugh at how easily they got away with their crimes and how naive and foolish their teacher was? What if all that time i spent talking to him was a waste of time? What if...

It discourages me to even consider these possiblities. And while i'm painfully aware that the negatives are possible, i know that i cannot dwell on them, i have to try and believe that that little person exists...i must... I just hope that, in God's mercy, one day He'll let me see that my efforts were not in vain, that i was not naive to believe, and that the little person does exist within each person. It just takes a HELL LOT OF SEARCHING for some people!