I finally decided to go up the creaky stairway leading to the dark attic in which kept all my memories, the good and the bad. Finally decided to clear the many layers of cobwebs surrounding the thoughts and feelings i once had, the lessons i once learnt, and yet forgotten in the busyness of work and pursuit of pleasure. I should have done that a long time ago, should have continually done it from time to time, but didn't.

And as I lay my hands on the huge, rusty chest covered with dust and cobwebs, certain memories rose up to greet me and to fill my mind. Memories of past struggles, of tears and sorrow, of anguish and despair. Yet, as i lifted the lid of the chest and gazed upon its precious contents, i remembered other things. Things which gave me hope, victory, and a reason to go on living and learning. I remembered things which i should have continually kept in my mind and thanked God for, but had for various reasons forgotten and left behind in the attic, in that rusty old chest.

And i was grateful. Each time i came back to the attic and remembered the contents of the chest, i was thankful. Even to the point of shame, that it had taken me this long to come back. Taken me this long to deign to remember God's goodness.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, as i 'spoke' with a friend, i was reminded of how long it's been since i remembered God's goodness in my life. I reminded that friend of God's goodness and how He gives us grace even when we take a wrong step, if only we repent of our sins and turn back to Him. And as i reminded this friend of these truths i knew to have been so real in my life at some point of time, it made me think about times long ago when i clung on the God with all my might because there was no other way to go. And as i 'spoke', the words seem to take on a life of its own to me. With strength and conviction, these words came. And i recognized once again, the power that comes with God's promises in His word. Without God, our memories would only have the tears, sorrow, defeat and hopelessness. Perhaps with some measure of worldly happiness. Without God, memories would remain as it is, a past. With no future.

Who i am today, is a result of my struggles, of slowly surrendering certain things that were dear to me, to God. Who God purposes us to be eventually, will be a result of constant struggling, constant surrendering to His Lordship in every area of our lives. These i have experienced and learnt: That God loves us and wants to build us up. And in doing so, He has prepared lessons for us to learn. How painful these lessons will be depends on how willing we are to let go and let God. And if we decide to not learn that lesson at that point of time, God will persist and it may get more painful the next time round. I have also learnt that if we choose the path of disobedience wilfully, we walk out of His will and we would have to face the consequences. But the good news for us is, our gracious God gives us grace to face the consequences and to do better, if only we turn back to Him. I cannot imagine a life without Him, cannot imagine getting over bad times without knowing that i have hope beyond this life and the bad things that come with it.

i'm sorry, God, that i've forgotten Your goodness for so long. It felt good to be back in the attic. To remember.

Love,
Dory