Since young, i've always, consciously or unconsciously, viewed crying as a weakness. I'm not saying it's right, and i've no idea how that came about, but i do remember restraining my tears as a child in front of my parents during each scolding. I'd only cry in the safe confines of my bedroom. No matter what, i'd always try not to cry in front of others. Think few people have witnessed me crying. Those who have were privileged. Heh. (Disclaimer: Crying during tear-jerking korean/jap movies SOoo does not count.)

Somehow, along the way, I started to be aware that, albeit unwittingly, i actually looked down on people who cried easily. I'm not saying people can't cry. I do get touched and upset when i witness some people cry in one of those rare moments of grief. But i dislike it when people use tears to get what they want or use it as a defense mechanism. That, to me, is underhand and manipulative. Weak. Because the person cannot think of a better, more constructive way to react.

I remember when i was in kindergarten, during the first few days of school, other children were accompanied to school by their parents, while i was brought to school by my grandma. While other parents stood by the windows peering in for quite a few hours, some for the entire day, i was firmly left in school by Grandma, who always turned to leave almost immediately after. There was no one to stand at the windows to watch how i was doing. And i think i did ok, even so. I remember one boy in particular from kindrgarten. He was always crying. If he turned round and could not spot his mother at the windows, he'd burst into tears. Even when all other parents had started to trickle home, his poor mother was forced to stand at the window till her child was ready to go home. I rem feeling sorry for the mother who couldn't not even safely go to pee. But more than that, I rem feeling disdain and scorn for the one child who couldn't be weaned off his mum. Scary huh? I must have been a terrible child. Years later, i met him and his mum at my block. I dunno if it was my imagination, but his eyes looks really slitty and swollen. I rem thinking to myself, "Must be the result of all that crying...now he looks permanently like that...". Now, as an adult, i understand that the parent is as much to blame as the child if he/she behaves like that. Really. I see that the child is using his tears to get his way.

Decades later, i meet another one such person. For children to use tears to manipulate others is one thing. For an adult to do so is entirely another issue. The person previously mentioned in my post is one who uses tears effectively to her advantage. I didn't know this till recently (actually most times i dunno things that happen till much much later...i pride myself on not being in the know. heh)...it seems she's been going to the HODs to cry about her problems, hence getting off the hook for many things. Even when her class was difficult to manage, she just burst into tears and things were managed for her, somehow. After my indignation at the unfairness of it all, later that afternoon i had to attend a briefing with her. She acted as per normal, without a trace of being apologetic nor grateful that someone else had to carry her burden. I had not yet officially assumed her position, so when questioned by the usher at the door if i was an examiner or a reserve, i was momentarily stumped. She, however, pops out of nowhere and cheerfully told the lady that SHE was the reserve while i was the real thing. My blood rather boiled at that point of time. Being the type of person i am, i could not help but show some hostility. I mean, i didn't scratch her eyes out or anything. I just wasn't my usual jovial and talkative self. But, can u blame me?? I'm the kind whose mood is written all over my face. Can't hide things even if i wanted to. She's lucky i even responded to her, given the murderous thoughts i was having in my head. Yeah well, so i just grunted as a response to her questions, but at least i didn't just keep quiet.

Anyways, if i had thought that was the end of the saga, i was wrong. The next day, my HOD suddenly came to speak to me about the oral again. As she spoke, it dawned upon me that THAT WOMAN had gone once again to the HOD and spoken about my icyness towards her. She'd 'confessed' that she felt bad about making me do the job (Dunno why she doesnt tell me that herself if she really felt that bad) and she'd...guess wat?...burst into tears again, in front of the HOD. What a baby???! And she's at least a decade older and a mother of 3?? This is BEYOND RIDICULOUS!! Man....

Anyways, i told my HOD very frankly that i wasn't too happy that she'd tried to shirk her responsibility. I think she was understanding enough. In fact, when THAT WOMAN told her she felt bad, my HOD told her to translate that into action. (i.e. to take over at least 2 days out of the 8 she was handing to me). Thank God for good superiors.

I've kind of gotten over things, in the sense that i'm trying to look on the bright side. I do get some money out of it. Altho it isn't much. And i'm forced to leave school earlier. So well... Just do my best lor. I've also given up being icy. I mean, there's a limit to how long u can stay angry. And i figure i'd be more tired out from being angry, and it wouldn't even affect her in any way. So wats the point?

In spite of reconciling myself to all these, i think my stand is the same with regards to crybabies. Whether it was a notion in my youth or a stubborness in my adulthood, i think this one will stick. Only a coward would seek solace and solution in tears. Getting what you want thru turning on the tap is just NOT the way to go.