There was a time, not too long ago, when i gave thanks to God for the gift of your friendship. You were a very dear friend, though i never said it to you before. I marvelled, each time i looked back upon the past, at how God managed to change our hostile, icy relationship into one of closeness and comfortable familiarity. There were times we could talk for hours on end. We were both willing, to spend that time talking into wee hours of the morning, though it meant suffering for the lack of sleep the very next day. I took comfort, knowing that i had at least one friend with whom i didn't need to spend regular time and yet would be there for me if i needed. We were both busy, running here and there, doing this and that. But in the rare moments we could find to meet or talk, the source from which our conversation topics came never dried up. It was good knowing i had someone like you, someone i would never lose just because i neglected to spend time with you.

We could talk about anything and everything. In many ways, we thought alike. We agreed on lots of things. I didn't need to explain very much for you to understand what i meant because those things would have occured to you too. I remember how you confided in me about your first relationship. It was secret and it was something people would frown upon. But you told me anyway. I tried to be that friend that you needed me to be, a friend who didn't condemn you but gently reminded you of what you ought to do. And i was glad, yes, even proud of you, when you made the firm decision to do what was right in God's eyes. I know how difficult it must have been to part with him, but you did it anyway. I was proud of the strength you had, the determination to go thru with it, and the conviction that doing what was pleasing to God was the only way to go. I saw how you grew in many ways, spiritually and emotionally, and how in many ways you chose to put God and His Word first in your life.

Yes, our friendship meant a lot to me. So much, that even when it wasn't my fault, i didn't hesitate to approach you first to reconcile things. I knew you were passive, so i always made the first move, just so our friendship would continue. But you know, inside it kinda hurt. It made me wonder if our friendship meant anything to you, whether it was worth as much to you as it did to me. When opportunities to meet up naturally at church became less, when it seemed that unless we made it a point to meet up we would never get a chance to speak, I took the initiative to ask you out from time to time. Just so we could keep things going. Even if it meant meeting up only a few times a year, it was good enough for me. But it got difficult. You became busier and busier. Sometimes, it felt like i was doing all the work, and you didn't seem interested nor did you reciprocate very much. In dismay and discouragement, i wrote you a letter. I confessed how tiring it felt to be doing all the work in maintaining our friendship. You read it, and though you never said it, i believe it touched you enough to do something about it. I was overjoyed when, not too soon after, you took the initiative to ask me out for dinner. It was more than just a dinner to me. It was your way of saying our friendship meant enough for you to work at it. We did things like shopping at jb, watching movies others wouldnt normally watch, renting vcds, jogging and eating. I was glad i had you. And i thought, perhaps, you were glad to have me.

It wasn't until certain things happened, that i began to realize how little our friendship meant to you. Sometimes, it isn't enough for friends to just spend time together. The true test comes when conflicts arise. There are times when friends need to stand up for each other. Times when there is nothing else to do but to trust in your friend's character. Times when you need to defend your friend and say, "She is not that kind of person. I choose to believe her." Times when you choose to believe in the best and not the worst. Times you need to put down your pride and seek reconciliation because your friendship is too important to put on the line. Yes, i needed all these things from you from time to time. In the decade or so that we have known each other, i thought we had been through enough to warrant those actions of love. But, i guess i thought wrong. I suppose i should have known the truth when it seemed that meeting up and clearing up stupid misunderstandings were too much work for you.

You know what? I didn't need you to buy me presents, nor go on holidays and shopping sprees with me. That would have been nice, but the best thing you could have done for me was simply to believe in me. I just needed you to believe in my character, to trust in me as a friend. I needed you, in the face of misunderstandings and conflict, to stand on my side and defend me, even if there was no evidence. Instead, for reasons which elude me, you somehow always choose to believe others, to believe the worst of me, until i came to clear things up with you. It says something, you know. It really does. It pains me to know that you would rather believe the worst of me. It pains me even more to see, that after believing the worst of me, you'd rather keep it to yourself, than to clear things up with me in a bid to safeguard our friendship.

I'm tired. I really am. Working on a friendship alone is very exhausting work. So, i've decided to give up. Why continue to struggle alone when it doesn't mean anything to you? The last incident has finally opened my eyes to see the truth. Whenever there was any conflict of interests, whenever it involved taking a side, you've never chosen to take mine. I cannot go on like this. It hurts too much. And so, i've decided to say goodbye. Never again will i take the initiative to ask you out, nor will i put in any more energy into something that will not bear fruit. This way, i no longer have the right to expect you to trust my character or to believe in me. I think it will be easier this way. I know you will never read this, you've never taken much interest in my affairs. I know you've even lost the address to this place, and i know you will not bother to ask for the address again. It's ok. Because i've decided to say goodbye.

I'm sorry you didn't think i was worth the effort. Sorry the friendship didn't mean much to you. Sorry my character isn't worth your defending. Sorry you could never find reason to trust nor believe in me. Sorry whatever we had always paled in comparison to what you have with him. But i guess i shouldn't be sorry that it came to this. God knows i've tried my best. Maybe i was too presumptious to even think that what we had was more than what normal friends had. Perhaps it was always wishful thinking on my part.

So, it is with deep sorrow, yet without regrets, that i lay this burden down. I shall forevermore bury the memories we shared, deep in my heart. From this moment, i shall cease to carry this burden on my shoulders alone. The struggle shall end here and now. In Him and Him alone, will I find my peace. Goodbye.