It's funny how everyone seems to be tired or having a bad time all at the same time. I've been feeling really tired. Really really tired. I look ard me, and everyone seems to be feeling the same. And suddenly i feel as if i dun have the right to complain anymore. And yet, when i try to give to those i feel need the comfort more, i end up feeling even more exhausted. It's like a never-ending battle. You know, i've come to the conclusion that when ppl feel THIS tired, it's never only about physical tiredness. I sincerely think that it would be a lot easier to be more joyful if it were just that, physical tiredness. It's when depression and emotional exhaustion sets in, that it really gets you down. And i think that these days, for most people, it's just that. Suddenly, i feel like the atmosphere around me these days...it's just...really, u know, depressing. Feel like i'm getting sucked in too.

Tuesdays are one of my hardest days. I've 6 periods of 35-minute lessons in a row. Consecutive. Anyone who has taught, would know that is NO JOKE. The same amount of time working at a normal 9-5 job would not quite have the same effect. Teaching requires twice the amount of energy because you have to deal with 40 in the classroom. The first day i did relief teaching, i collapsed on my bed after i got home and was knocked out for a solid 5 hour stretch. Today, after my 6-period marathon, i had another 3 straight hours of oral. Had to face 20 faces intent on putting me to sleep with their monotonous voices and ludicrous language abilities. If i weren't so tired and headachey, i might have found it close to hilarious. Left school close to 6pm, went straight home and slept like the dead.

It wasn't till i woke, did certain thoughts hit me. When they did, i wished they didn't. Because they made me feel depressed. My latest batch of students might just trigger me to quit my job. To pen down my exact thought process would take too long and would bore many. Just know that each generation gets worse than the previous, and this generation has succeeded in making my heart grow cold. 心寒.I cannot imagine having children of my own when i see each generation get worse than the other. What will i be putting my children through??

I stumbled upon the blogs of some of my own students， just before i left school today. Thought that it would make some easy, leisurely reading. But reading their blogs only made my head spin. The more i read, the more my thoughts blurred and whirled in my head, culminating in a dull ache and a desperate need to get into bed before my head exploded. I was unable to think clearly. I didn't even know what exactly i was thinking. I just want to rest my head. Too...many....things...

Sleep was good. Yet, it was as if a horror story had slowly unfolded itself in my subconscious mind while i was sleeping. I awoke to the sick feeling that often accompanies a horror story. I wondered if i'd ever accomplish the purpose i had in mind when i first set out to teach - to make a difference to someone else. I don't think i'm able to do that anymore. I seriously doubt i'll make a difference to anyone's life. Especially not to my bunch of students anymore. They're scary. They're like monsters who live in their own bubble. There's no one else in that world but themselves. Everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault. Vulgarities are part and parcel of their 13-yr-old life. When they get punished for any wrong they did, they can't see it. It's either the fault of whoever caused them to get caught, or the teacher who punished them. It's NEVER their fault. They're always right．

All that started me thinking. I'm not sure anymore if my being around will make any sort of difference to anyone. This whole 'evolution' is just too big and scary to handle. In fact, it's worse that i imagined. I feel the sudden need to detach myself from all this. Call it self-denial if you may. I'm upset to think that all these harmless creatures, some i used to think angels, are really all just monsters underneath it all. It's not that i think myself above them...it's just that....this is not what i imagined 13-yr-olds would be....at least not to this extent, and not at this age??? Isn't it way too bad too fast?? What would things be like 10, 20 years down the road? I really dread to think. Today, i also received news through email, about 2 sec one students caught with hickies on their necks... I dunno what to think anymore. What is happening??? I mean, while i know that the bible says all these things would happen, that generation after generation will get more depraved, i somehow did not imagine THIS to be it. Not with those so young anyway. *shudder*

At some point of time today, i actually felt...not just depressed....i felt, hopeless... and i wondered how God could look upon this world He created and not want to give us all up. How could He love people like us? How can He bear to watch the people He created in His image, go down the drain like that, and still hold out His promise of eternal life to such as us?? I just can't fathom it..I can't.

At another point of time today, i said to God,"God, pls just end the world now. I can't bear to see where we'd all be if we continued this way." If i'm only feeling a tiny fraction of the grief God feels when He looks upon us, then......i really dun wanna think what God must be feeling.

Where do i go from here?