1)A friend recently wrote about an enemy that she's battling. And i realised that i've been getting bouts of it too. Yep, the common enemy that everyone falls prey too at some point of our lives. It's an irony isn't it? That one can feel lonely even in the midst of frens and family. In fact, i've realised that the more people are around (like in crowded shopping centres), the more lonely it feels. I wonder if it's an age thing. It's as if i've become more detached, as if seeing things from a third party's point of view. There are times i choose to be alone, away from other people because i feel like it, and yet at the same time, i feel lonely. Strange huh?

2)Now that i don't have a maid, i've been staying home more. More peace and yet, also more time alone. Everyone seems busy with their own lives and it sometimes feels as if it wouldn't make much of a difference even if i lived on a different planet. Have lost interest in most of the things i used to do in my free time. Ktv, sudoku, tennis...just don't feel like doing all those things anymore. Just wanna sleep, and sleep and sleep... and then the frustrating thing is that sometimes i just can't sleep. i start to ache everywhere and then i get these bad headaches and i can't even get any respite from that with the help of panadol. Maybe it's because i think too much. Maybe it's because of stress. Maybe i just want to be sick so that i don't have to work. Maybe i just want to stay home and bury myself in my bed. Sometimes thinking about the people around me give me a headache. Sometimes i really just want to uproot myself and go away somewhere to get some fresh air and do things i've never had the chance to do. To meet different people and see different things.

3)I sleep too much. i'm beginning to realise that it's become my way of escape. i'm so tired of the things i'm doing that i need to escape from it all. And being too tired to physically go anywhere or do anything, i end up going to bed. But sometimes, sleeping too much just makes me feel sick and headachey. And then, i start to regret sleeping so much and i also start to wonder what i could have better spent all that extra time. Then, i'm reminded of all the work i should have done, and i just want to sleep some more. As if the work would complete itself.

4)I need to find a better sleeping position. i've been getting all these aches and pains. My neck, my shoulders, my back, my arm.... sigh. I'm not even sure if it's just my sleeping position or does my pillow have something to do with it. And my headaches....are they a result or stress, bad sleeping positions, oversleeping, pms or WHAT???! Maybe i have a tumour...

5)I miss.....

6)Why do i let people and things get to me? It doesn't profit me, makes me think too much, gives me a headache and is a waste of time. I really must get over these things. But how?? If only i could reboot....or reformat. Touch of a button. Fat hope.

7)I had a bad dream. I dreamt I went on a short trip with a big bunch of people to Msia. On the way back after the trip, we stopped over at a place where people could hire little boats to go out on the lake. Strangely, i was alone. Couldn't find any of my friends. But i wanted to go on the boat ride anyway, so i queued up. Behind this family of 4 whom i knew. Father, mother and 2 children. The third and youngest child wasn't with them. And even though i was alone, i couldn't join them because the boat could only take 4. I remember going on the boat alone. I couldn't remember much of the ride itself though. The dream fastforwarded itself to several days later. A news report was made over the telly. A family of 4 was reported to have drowned while on a boat ride at the very same lake i had my boat ride. Nobody seemed to know who this family was. They were unidentified. And at that moment in my dream, the horror of it all struck me. I was sure that it was that family i knew. And it baffled me that no one could identify them. Off i went, to tell everyone the truth. I just cried and cried and cried. I felt as if i never cried so much in my life. And i wasnt sure why. I mean, i knew them, but i wasn't THAT close to them. But i guess part of the reason why i was so upset was because i felt very very sorry for the third child who was now all alone in the world. A young boy without any family. Urgh. Even right now the thought of it makes me sad. I remember being soooo overwhelmed by sadness in the dream. And it was so REAL. I refused to believe it was true, and yet i knew in my heart that it was. I even went round asking friends of the family if they had seen this family around. Maybe i had been mistaken. I made calls and asked questions. And when nobody had apparently seen them, and people expressed puzzlement because they didn't appear when they said they would, then i was sure that it was true. It was them who drowned in the lake. I felt so so sad. Even moments after i woke from that nightmare, it still felt so real. I really wanted to call someone to make sure it was just a dream. At some point of the dream, i couldn't even tell whether it was a dream or reality! The lines were really blur. But then, as most dreams do, the REALness of it all faded as the day passed. Shudder. I was really glad to see them in the flesh today. I'm so glad they're ALIVE. And i suddenly felt this impulse to hug the mother of the family today and get to know them better, because that's what i regretted not doing in the dream. I regretted not talking to them more or knowing them better.