It's been a long time. Not even sure why i'm back cos i dun even feel like writing. The past 2 weeks must have been the worst in my life for as far as i can remember. The downs are really getting me down. On some level, I feel like a wreck. People who don't know me all that well would think that I'm ok. It felt terrible trying to pretend everything was alright today, even if it was to strangers. Things took a turn for the better on Fri, or at least i thought i was out of the fire, but now it doesn't feel so great. Sometimes i wonder if i'm deluding myself. I used to take pleasure in the nights and weekends cos those were the only times I could rest. Now, I dread the nights, and any other waking moments of free time. That's why I try to occupy myself all day. But only to find that on top of feeling miserable, I feel tired and sick too. Am tired of not finding pleasure in eating anymore. Am tired of being mopey. Am tired of thinking. Am tired of the pain in my heart.

I know God has been speaking. I'm grateful. I really am. And I know I just need to let go. I know. I just don't know how.