Once had a heart-to-heart talk with a good friend. She shared with me some of her fears and I totally understood. Really I did. Cos I've gone through that myself. Being with someone but always feeling bad or guilty because you feel you're not giving as much as the other party is, or that you're not giving as much as you know you can. Possibly cos deep down, you know that you probably don't love the person enough, or as much as you think you ought to. I know that feeling.

If this was a married couple we're talking about, then love wouldn't encompass just feelings, it would include a lifelong commitment to love each other in their actions, even if they didn't feel like it. Afterall, you and I both know that love isn't JUST a feeling. But then, this isn't a married couple we're talking about it. It just doesn't feel right when the reason she might carry on the relationship sounds suspiciously like pity or guilt. It isn't right either, when her decision-making process is influenced by irrational thoughts which say that it's her fault when bad things happen to the guy whenever she initiates a break. I understand, it just seems heartless to want to continue with the break when bad things happen. People might even say you're cruel. But I think it's worse to hang on for the wrong reasons. It's even more unfair to the guy. One one hand, she knows deep down that this guy takes very good care of her and will be a good husband, and that she may never find someone as caring. But on the other hand, she doesn't feel for him the way he does for her. It's not that she doesn't care about him, of course she does! Even friends who spend that much time together over a period of a few years would right? I mean, we're only human and we have feelings, particularly for someone as softhearted as her. But that's just not the same.

I'm not advocating a break. I just want her to be happy. If she finds it with this guy, I'd be happy for her. But this is not the first time she wants a break. The last time it happened but didn't happen because something unfortunate happened to him and she went back to him to take care of him. Whether out of obligation or the kindness of her heart or what, I don't know. It just doesn't sound....you know, like the real deal? I don't want the same story to repeat for her a few years down the road. So much time would have come and gone by then.

Anyway, my point is, I remember trying to tell her not to be afraid about not finding someone and about how important being at peace about her decision was. I remember being alarmed that she wanted to accept this guy because she didn't think she'd find someone else she'd like better than someone she was with before. I don't know if you understood that. Her theory was that you'd only really really really like one person in your lifetime and if that person was gone, no one else could replace him, so you might as well just settle for whoever's the next most suitable. Wah piang...I didn't know what to say. I felt trapped because I couldn't adequately express what I truly felt, in a way that she'd understand! While I understood what she was going through, her fears and all, I do not share her fear right now because I'm confident that God has His plans for me and that everything that's going on right now is going according to His plans. Even if I don't know what those plans are. I wanted so much to share with her the assurance that I have in Christ. That what is meant to be, will be, and that there's no need to hang on, just in case. I firmly believe so. Who am I? Dare I think that what I do will actually mess up His plans?? No. Even if I were to make a wrong decision or make a wrong move, His plans will still be in motion.

Right now, I'm enjoying the freedom that being single brings. I'm not worrying about not finding someone because I believe that God has a purpose for me being where I am now. I'm finding fulfilment in spending time with people, whether it's people in church or at work or elsewhere. I want to be able to invest in lives, the way Christ did in His 3 years of ministry. I want my life, my time right now, to count for something. He will bring someone just right for me (and He knows exactly what sort of person that would be because He knows exactly what sort of person I am, simply because He made me) at just the right time. And if He doesn't, I know that it's not meant to be. He will give me the grace to accept what He has planned in time. He always does.

How do I explain why I no longer share her fears? How do I convey to her my strong feelings of trust in my Lord and Saviour, my trust in His plans and timing? I'm not sure how to make her understand. I wrote her a card and I struggled with whether to write her a verse or not. Would she understand? Would she know what it is? Would she think I'm being preachy and irritating in her time of need? Then I decided, that God's Word speaks for itself. His Holy Spirit would do the speaking and convicting. Afterall, she should know by now, that I'm not her friend only because I want to preach at her, we've shared a lot more than that. I think she would understand that I sincerely do care for her and love her as a friend. There was nothing I needed to do, except to trust that God's Word has the power of life. And so I wrote Philippians 4:6-7 in the hope that she might find peace in the Lord if only she asks Him, in her own way.

And the, it dawned upon me, the privilege we have in being God's children. There are so many things we take for granted. I mean, I look at my life and I'm amazed at how I've 'recovered' from the 'falls' I've had over the years. While my life has been relatively smooth-sailing, I think I've also had my fair share of trials and heartbreaks. Those weren't easy times for me, and there were many times I thought I'd never get over the pain. Nights I'd cry myself to sleep and feel like there's no tomorrow...days I'd constantly feel a physical pain in my heart and a constant need to vomit because I felt sick to the core and just unwell all over... weeks where I never felt the need to eat and when I did eat, everything tasted the same - dry and unappetising...I remember hating the nights because I had trouble sleeping, and hating being alone because it meant memories would keep flooding into my head and threatening to drown me. I remember trying to work myself hard so that I'd feel tired and perhaps be able to get some sleep in the night. I remember trying so hard to avoid certain places and things and people, just so I wouldn't be reminded of times that would make me upset. Yep, that was how bad it was for me before during certain milestones of my life. But then, I also remember crying out to the Lord, each and every night. I remember Him speaking to me through His Word, through my prayers and through the encouragement and company of good friends He brought to me in my time of trial. And each time, slowly but surely, He healed my wounds and gave me joy once again. This, is part of our legacy as God's children. He gives us the strength and grace to recover and then to move on, something many others, who do not have Christ, are unable to experience. There are so many instances of people who never quite recover and carry the 'scars' they sustain for life. Some become bitter, and more and more so as life deals them more blows. Others become cynical and suspicious of every good thing that life hands them on a platter. I'm not perfect, far from it, and things in life do influence me to a certain extent. Perhaps I do still 'sustain injury' and carry some 'scars', but I definitely have an advantage with Christ on my side =)