Counsellor
Nurse
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For longer than the past year, I struck out the first one (at least for the meanwhile) because I've been feeling so tired, so unappreciated, so unmotivated....generally just down when I think about work. When I think about work, its as if I see this formidable mountain. I start thinking about my marking, about grades, about how I actually really don't know HOW to teach english even though it's been what, 4 years? I think about CCA and how I also don't really know how to train the girls, cos I'm just NOT a coach! I was one of those who had to pick balls when I was in the team because my coach didn't think that we'd amount to anything. It doesn't help that there's so much admin to handle, and I'm all alone with no other teacher to help. I'm sick of orientating new teacher after new teacher, and I also don't dare to ask the PE HOD for help because I'm half-afraid he'd turn around and demand why I need another teacher when I'm not even training the sec 1 boys myself. That would just make me feel more useless.
Then I look at my class, and I see how badly they did in their English exams. No matter how many times I tell them how to approach the questions and what NOT to do, they just wouldn't listen. Even when I marked their papers, I just got angrier and angrier, and then I started seeing in my mind's eye, how they don't seem to pay attention when I talk....it makes me feel ineffective. I'm practically not making any difference to them. They'd do just the same in the exams even if I weren't around. Then what's the point of me even going to class? Then I see some of them sitting outside at the detention area and getting caught for this and that, in spite of my disciplining them, in spite of my scoldings and pep talks and long notes I've written to them in the hope that they'd change....when I see that all I've done has come to naught, it makes me feel even more useless.
The other day, I had this conversation with a colleague, and one of her remarks hit me. She said,"Don't you know? It's very lop-sided in this school. Either you are in favour or out of favour." That got me thinking. Which side was I on? I'm quite obviously not in favour I think. Then that makes me out of favour? Does that mean I've been a bad testimony at work? But I just don't see the importance of doing the things that THEY deem is important. Is that wrong? Another talk with another colleague also made me think. I asked her what she thought of the above remark. She didn't answer me immediately but asked me instead,"I thought you didn't care about these things?" And I reflected on what she said. And I realised that there were 2 levels involved. On the rational level, I knew that being favoured by the leadership meant that you had to be good at stuff like managing big events etc...these, to me, are rubbish. I just don't think all those stuff that they think is impt, should be impt in a school's context. Shouldn't being able to teach and to handle your own class well, and with love, matter? To me, those are the things that SHOULD matter. I do not foresee myself ever changing myself to fit their mold, so I guess I'm never gg to be favoured. And therefore on a rational level, I cannot be bothered about what they think cos i'm not gg to change. But then, on an emotional level, nobody likes to not be liked or appreciated. As if it isn't enough that sometimes I feel unappreciated by my class. So in that sense, I guess it doesn't feel good to not be favoured.
(A side thought: You know, it's strange that I seem to be more appreciated by students from 2 years ago. Yesterday I went to 'babysit' a sec 3 class. After I was done, I walked out and bumped into a student I taught 2 years ago and he exclaimed,"Hey! How come you teach that class never teach my class??!" This same boy also made me feel so appreciated when several weeks ago I spoke with him and he said his English improved so much when I taught him before. Sigh)
So...all these more or less sums up why I put a line through TEACHER in my list of possible career choices I guess.
