Nurse
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I toyed with the idea of going into counselling because although I couldn't foresee teaching to be a lifelong career for now, I don't seem to dread it as much as I did before. Also, I do find joy in caring for people and in talking to them. Occasionally when, by the grace of God, He allows me to see some fruit and I see some change, I'm feel so happy and it makes the effort all worthwhile. I thought perhaps this was a possible area I could work towards if I could persuade myself to stay in teaching a while more so as to further this area. You know, like take more courses in this area or sth. I really enjoyed the one I attended. But lately, because of the recent spate of events at school, I had an epiphany.
Lately, it just seems that everyone around me is down. Being the rebellious sort I am, I refused to go down with everyone else, although I must admit that I was, to some extent, affected. I found myself trying to pull everyone else up. Perhaps I was using my own strength. But I did find fulfilment in what I was doing. Really. Don't get me wrong ok? I really wanted to be there for every single one of the people I talked to who needed help or needed an ear. I've no grouse against that. I LIKE being that listening ear and being confided in. I liked running around trying to gather people around to do something or other to make others feel better. It gives me a lot of joy to do things for people that way I think. Unlike guys, I don't feel helpless when people cry in front of me. I think it a privilege that anyone would be comfortable enough to do that in my presence, and I feel this strong urge to help and to do something for that person. But then, I'm also very aware that the converse is true. If I am unable to help or do anything to make that person feel better, I'd feel helpless and lousy. Even if, on a rational level, I know that there's no way I can dictate how a person would react. There will be people along the way who might not get better or might not respond to the help rendered. Just like how lousy I feel when I spend so much time and effort trying to prevent my students from 'going bad' but then still, I see them flouting the rules, doing again and again what I said not to do, and constantly sitting outside in the detention area. I really HATE that. It's as if some irrational voice in me is telling me that I'm an ineffective teacher who can't control her kids. It's one thing to feel bad that I can't control my students with punishment, but it's really another thing to say that even with all the love and time and effort I showered on them, it makes ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE to them. They won't even stay out of trouble for love of their teacher who has so painstakingly counselled them and written them love-notes. Ouch. Boy does it hurt.
Having everyone down and me trying to stay afloat also started to take its toll on me as the days went by. Practically it was inevitable. Afterall, talking to people does take time. And that time had to come from somewhere. Out of work and out of sleep. For a week or more, I've been sleeping at 1 or 2 am on the average, and waking up at 6plus in the morning. And with so many things on my mind, I could hardly expect quality sleep. And on some level, towards to end of this week, I've been having this tiny urge to scream or to rant to somebody. But then I looked ard me and found that unlike old times when more of my good friends were around, I had no one to rant to anymore. Either they're too far away, or they're too caught up in their own stuff and I don't want to pull them down anymore than they already are. In fact, even with the invention of the telephone, communication doesn't get easier because sometimes people don't really pick up their phones. Me included. Sometimes I just....don't...want...to....pick....up. Several times I felt the need to talk or to voice something out. But the people I called just somehow weren't available. Sigh.
Anyway, my point is, I came to the realisation that I probably wasn't the sort that could give and give and give....without getting burdened or tired. I think I'd get bogged down by everything and start feeling depressed. Especially if good friends weren't around for me to air my feelings and thoughts. Also, I'm not sure I can handle not being able to see a change in a charge if I were indeed a counsellor. I might feel useless, ineffective and lousy. Perhaps I need a job that has a more clinical aspect, you know, more science, the cold hard thing. Like Maths or something. Use the formula right and you gotta have the solution and only one solution. Sometimes, I think, people need that. And so do I.
