One of the abilities I have, is that I can weep till the cows come home, and then when I stop, no traces would have been left behind...

For the first time in my life (as far as I can remember), I lost control of myself. In the past, even during times of distress or fury, I've always had some measure of control. I can, for example, get so angry I shout at my errant students for misbehaviour or throw something, but I have enough self control to not do anything stupid like hurt anyone or embarrass myself.

I'm not sure why, or how it happened. Perhaps I've been under more stress, or been more unhappy than I even knew? I really don't know. I was shocked at myself afterward. I never even knew I had the volcano simmering underneath until it erupted. Right now, I'm just exhausted, drained of motivation and emotion, and confused. It's as if I just found out I had an illness I never knew existed.

It must have been an accumulation of events and emotions/stress. Frankly, nothing major or upsetting happened today really. I've definitely had worse. The word that could summarise the day, as with many other days, is BUSY. It was so bad I had to wait till 2pm before I could find time to grab a bite. In my line of work, that is quite something, considering that we are up way before 7am. I didn't even have time to go to the toilet at all till I got home after 6pm! Can you imagine that??

Today was just a blur of lesson after lesson, rushing everywhere trying to get everything done, getting all stressed up because my report books aren't done and I don't have time to sit down and key everything in because of the oral exams.... and then in the afternoon, after gobbling my lunch down, was 3 hours of oral exams. 4 straight days of that this whole week. On the average, we finish at about 6pm every day, leaving no time for any other work or lesson preparation. Don't even talk about marking. After today's oral exams, I was trying so hard to keep awake during my drive home that I ended up with a headache. Had a dinner appointment so I really didn't have much time to sleep. But I was so desperate and deprived of sleep that even if it was just a few minutes, I would take it gladly. And so I slept, so soundly that I didn't hear my alarm clock go off at all...when I did wake, it was only because my mum called me...and then I went into shock when I realised that I was late for my dinner appointment. I felt really bad after I called my friend to apologise, and my head was spinning from having woken up so quickly. Just quickly threw on my clothes and left the house, feeling really tired and miserable. Just as I was leaving, my mum shouted something about me leaving a drink half-drunk in the refrigerator. And she just went on and on... and before I knew it, something inside me just snapped. I can't even remember what I did exactly. I only remember that I was on the verge of screaming. And I just wanted to stand in the middle of nowhere and just scream and scream and scream... and at that point of time I think, even if there were people around, that wouldn't have stopped me. I was beyond caring what other people would think. And THAT, for someone like me, is really SOMETHING. Somehow or other, I managed to get out of the house, I must have said something quite loudly because I remember my neighbour moving to look out of her house somewhat cautiously. And then, it was all I could do to hold the tears back.

I must have literally ran for the car. And the moment I was safely in the confines of my car, the floodgates opened. I can't remember the last time it was this bad. And it felt like it lasted forever. Just wanted to scream and shout and.....I don't know...it was all a jumble. I don't even know what it was. Frustration? Maybe this feeling that everyone was demanding something from me and I just couldn't give it? Sick and tired of being tired? Of trying to live by my own strength? Tired of feeling that 24 hours a day was not enough? Feeling that I need to give of myself to others, even when sometimes I can't afford it? ARRGH. I don't even know how to articulate what it was that overcame me so suddenly!! Even after I started the car, the flood continued. Loud and heaving. Bawled all the way. Non-stop. Till about 2 or 3 traffic lights away from where I was supposed to pick my friend up. At one of the traffic lights I had to stop at, I wiped up all traces and continued on my way. I don't think she even suspected. Quite an ability I have eh?

I'm so so tired. Of trying to live up to expectations. Of others and mine. Sometimes I just want to sleep and not have to wake up.