Such is the irony of life. Every time some thing hits me, whether it's something someone has said or it's something I happened to have seen, I always have the urge to blog it down because the feeling or revelation is something I want to remember and therefore need to have in writing, placed somewhere I cannot lose. But then every time I try to squeeze time out to blog about it, I sit in front of the comp and....nothing comes out. The feeling is just....flat. And I no longer feel the same impetus I had when the revelation first hit me. Then of course, the motivation kinda fades and I'm left sitting in front of the comp, debating if I should even bother to write. Always have this....'wasted' feeling you know? With no intention of being arrogant, I just can't help but feel 'it' (whatever it may be) would have made good reading material for myself, years down the road. What I write about what I feel, whether it's stuff now or last time, is a good indication about my state, spiritual or otherwise, at that point of writing. It's also a good way of tracing my path, and how I've grown, or not. Like how I realised from reading past entries from a couple of years back, that I seem to have been more joyful before. That even though work was a very real trial, I seemed to be relying so much more on God and was happier in spite of the negatives. And then I wondered what happened to make things change, and when the change happened. A good way of retrospection, the blog is. To me, at least.

Sunday's sermon was good for me. It's strange but, it wasn't really the content as a whole that spoke to me, it was more of single and separate sentences the speaker said, that seemed to be a stark reminder to me about certain things in my life. So although the sermon was really about modernistic idolatry, what I learnt wasn't entirely about idolatry per se.

One of the things which really hit me was:

Who's the Master and who's the servant?

We know in our heads that we are the servants of course. And God is the Master. But is the really the case in my life? Do I behave like I'm God's servant? Like little children, we often treat God like the genie in the bottle - our prayers often about what we want or expect Him to do in our lives. And then sometimes we sulk and throw tantrums when these things are not met, or done in the way we want or expect. Who's the Master then?

I thought about gifts or talents which I've been given. By God's grace. There is a tendency to treat these gifts as our own. Sometimes the longer we 'own' the gift, the easier it is to forget who it really belongs to in the first place. We forget that the gift was given for a purpose - to edify the body of Christ, and not for our own selfish purposes or enjoyment. I strongly believe that God causes the gifts to be developed when we choose to use them the way He meant us to.

Conversely, when we choose to behave as if the gift belongs to us and is at our disposal, He can and will take away the effectiveness or 'edge' the gift used to bring when it was used in the right way. I thought about my gift of music. I'm not fantastic or even close. But I know that what I have can be used to edify the church when I put in my heart and soul to lead in songs for worship. However, I've kinda gone on a hiatus. And am very reluctant to start again because I just feel tired whenever I think about it. I'm not sure what exactly is causing this feeling of lethargy in serving. Could be I was overdoing it when I was leading in both the 7.30 and 11.30 services at some point of time. Or perhaps it's because of a bad experience with some people. I just can't help but feel disturbed when they are around. That's one of the things I really hate about myself. The way I can't seem to get over things. I just mull over unhappy things until I get all depressed and feel ultra tiny and worthless. I don't understand why I mind so much what other people think. Even though they may not be worth my agonising over at all. I just love creating trouble for myself. I irritate me, I tell you.

I thought about how I really don't want to songlead anymore. And then, I realised that in making decisions like this, I was denying God as Master. I should be asking God what He wants me to do with His gift, not making decisions as if I were the master. His gift is for building up His church. All He asks is for a willing heart. He will provide the strength to do everything else that is necessary.

I thought about L. About how work is so much tougher and more tiring for him. Yet, he cheerfully volunteers his gift to serve the church, each time he is able to get off work. There's no mention of, "I'm tired, I want to sit back and relax for a bit." And for that, I am ashamed.

Remember, your gift is not yours. It belongs to God.

This is just one lesson I gleaned from Sunday's sermon =) More to come....if I ever manage to get started again... it's late.