As I was showering yesterday (showering time = thinking time for j), I was mulling over how I was to approach my challenging class. I knew I needed much love, more than I could humanly give anyway, given the imperfect and fallen creature I am. I didn't want them to see me only as a disciplinarian, which is what I could very well become if I became to focused on trying to change their behaviour. I tried to think what it felt like to be them...possibly bottom of the class most of the time, being shuttled in and out of the Principal's office, being kicked out of class and scolded...I think most punishments out there have already been used on them. There was really nothing more I could do to them that would be worse, or that would make them fear me and toe the line. That, coupled with my not wanting to 'label' them, gave me an idea. I decided I would try to emphasize the point that I was going to try not to label them based on their past record, and see if I could motivate them to work harder at modifying their own behaviour voluntarily. That means, any change would come out of them wanting to be better, rather than being forced to be better. At least for a beginning =)

So for the hour that I was allocated during my subject time in 2 of my classes (both of which are tail-end classes), I did a little activity with them. I gave them each a piece of paper and told them to think about the past. It could have been last year, or the year before, or even earlier. I told them to write down all the things they could remember which they were not proud of doing, things they were ashamed of, things they wished they had never done or could have done better....I gave them examples, being bottom of the class, failing exams, fighting with friends, dishonesty etc....They were to write all of those on that piece of paper, and no one was supposed to look at that piece of paper except themselves. I participated in that activity myself, also wrote down things I was not proud of doing. When all were done, I told them to fold the paper into half so that all writing was hidden from sight. Then they were told to follow my every action. With deliberation, I lifted up my piece of paper and slowly tore the paper into shreds. Their expressions were interesting. Some were stunned and took a while to follow. Some tore their papers with glee. While others looked thoughtful as they tore their piece of paper slowly. And so I explained the exercise to them, telling them that this was a symbolic act, to say that we were going to wipe the slate clean. So what if they are the last express class? So what if they once did things they weren't proud of? It was the first school day in a new school year, and things could be different if they set their mind to it. I told them also, that I was going to try hard not to look at them through tinted glasses and that I looked forward to the good that they were going to do. They may have been bottom of their classes before, but things can change now that they are in a new class with new classmates. I was also very honest with them, as I was with my previous form class. I told them very frankly how low I felt when I realised I was to be their FT, and how lousy I felt to always be given the tail-end classes year after year. But I also shared with them the little activity that the teachers went through and how it taught me that it was important not to label people. As much as possible, I have also tried not to get second-hand information from other teachers regarding my charges and their past behaviour. I was going to know them based on what I see in them this year.

I don't know what went through their minds today. I will probably never know if it served any purpose. But one thing I do know, the fact that this idea crossed my mind and weighed so strongly on my heart afterwards, is something that only God could have engineered. At least I know, that wiping the slate clean, mattered to that one girl who teared visibly after she tore up her paper. For such as her, a new beginning is so important. It must be so scary to be retained in the same level for one more year, put into a class entirely foreign to her and wonder what sort of eyes her classmates are looking at her with. Poor child...

On a happy note, hmm or actually I don't know if it's a good thing for me, but today for the first time, I actually had volunteers when I asked if anyone wanted to be English Rep. Haha... AND the strange thing was, in both classes that I went to, the volunteers were those I have had to send out of class many times before! 2 naughty boys. The 2 I had the most run-ins with in the time I was teaching them. I don't know what to make of them. In fact, for a split second, I even thought they were joking! Oh well...I just hope they sincerely want to help. *gulp* (ok j, must not label, must not label, must not label....) A new mantra for the new year...