Please don't EVER hit me on the head again. I HATE that. I think I've told you before. You don't know how hard I had to restrain myself from blowing up. And I'm not going to do that forever. I'm still quite angry about it.

Been so tired and absentminded it's starting to scare me.

These days I'm practically rushing home after work as soon as I can, so that I can catch a nap before I do whatever it is I need to do for the night. I can hardly stay awake anymore. I'm even threatening to fall asleep at the wheel. I've taken to talking to myself as an attempt to keep myself lucid. I fall asleep while marking, while surfing the net and several times while sitting at my desk at work. I get headaches and feel dizzy just from trying so hard to stay awake. I don't know what's wrong with me!

And then today, I started to feel like I'm literally losing my brains. As it is, I'm already absentminded(by nature?), even my students say I have STM (short term memory), but things seem to get worse by the day. Today, after about 3 hours of lessons, I felt thirsty. So I reached out for my bottle, only to find that it was nowhere in sight! And I had no idea where I left it! And then I realised that my stationery pouch was missing too. ARRRGH! So off I went, wasting precious time searching for the things I sorely needed for the next lesson, things other normal people would probably not lose as frequently as I did. Had to back track, going to all the places I had gone in the 3 lessons earlier. It took time, but thank God I did find them eventually. In the general office, sitting on the desk of the clerk, one storey below the staffroom. She was patiently waiting for me to come and reclaim my property. Waiting with the patience that came with familiarity and frequency. I had done that a number of times before.

My form class was with me last year as well. By now, we know one another pretty well. They know I can't draw for nuts, that I hate noise, that when I want something out of them I usually get it because I can be irritatingly naggy and persistent, that I have an extremely bad memory, and that when they interrupt me while I'm giving instructions I'm very likely to forget what I intended to say. At the beginning of each lesson, when I issue instructions and reminders, I almost always get a barrage of problems and excuses thrown at me from all directions, each accompanied with an earnest face and/or plausible (that's what they think anyway) reason for their non-appearance of work. Sometimes, for example, they say they didn't do the piece of work because they didn't GET the worksheet in the first place. And since I often don't have the cow sense to anticipate that they would give that excuse, most times I don't have the piece of assignment at hand, ready to give out to them. So I would tell them to follow me to the staffroom to get it at the end of the lesson. But guess what? I would, 90% of the time, forget to do so. And so would they! (I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that they're NOT 'forgetting' on purpose) Now it gets to the point where I tell them blatantly that I would forget, but I expect them to remind me because it is their responsibility to make sure their work has been handed up. That it is not MY responsibility to chase them for work. I'm not a loanshark. And most of them dutifully remind me at the beginning, AND end of the lesson. And then follow me back to the staffroom for whatever it is. Heh. One of my students had to chase me for almost an entire week for money to buy the class tee-shirt. I simply kept FORGETTING to bring the money up to the classroom! Don't know what's wrong with me...

Also, in my exhaustion, I'm suddenly aware that I've reached a stage where I shi(4) er(2) bu(4) jian(4). Today I was supposed to meet G at cityhall's robinson's. Robinson's has a few entrances. Think 3 on the ground level? One facing the outside of the building, one facing the center of the building and another near the escalators going down to the mrt. I was looking for the latter. Was walking down that particular short stretch of shops along there, on the way to the mrt. And I missed it completely! And for some strange reason, I assumed that since I didn't see it, it must have been blocked up or moved! So off I went to look for another entrance. And this was when I bumped into G. I looked back down the corridor, after telling G that the Robinson's entrance near the mrt was no longer there, and suddenly there the Robinson's entrance was! Gee...it felt like someone cast a spell on me! How could I have just walked past it without noticing such a big hallway leading in?? I must be blind.

Many times things occur to me in the day. Things I thought of sharing. About funny/weird/interesting/happy/sad/indignant situations or events, or just about life in general. As I see it. And then, when I get to a computer, I simply don't remember anymore what it was I wanted to talk/share about. So disappointing.

Is this just part of getting older? Or is there something really wrong with me?? Sigh

"As I set my eyes on the trophy, I was extremly overjoyed. As well as my team mates. Tears just rolls down our cheeks without our notice. It was the joy tear. Our effort and our hardwork is finally finalist."

THE JOY TEAR???!!! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT???
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"Lastly was Mr Soma Gupta. He is a young medicated doctor...."

Hmph! Heard of medicated oil and medicated plaster...but medicated DOCTOR??

Time after time, I'm confronted with the same issues in people around me. Why does it happen? Why do people succumb? There must be a reason why more and more people are falling into it, despite knowing that it's not what God intended. And the pattern is always the same. Strong emphatic 'No way!' in the beginning and clear about God's intent, then giving in slowly...becoming confused....no longer having a clear or strong stand. Towards the end, it's just "I'm praying hard that God will change the situation...". What will happen at the end I don't know....

But isn't it true that God didn't intend prayer to be a way for us to change the situation? Isn't prayer really about God slowly changing us and our perspectives on things? So then, by 'resorting' to prayer to 'force' God to make things go our way, are we forcing God into a box?

Perhaps this sounds like I'm being judgemental. Maybe at some point of time I was. Now, it just makes me wonder. Why? Am I getting a stronger dosage of indirect 'hits' from people around me? It's beginning to feel like the norm. Years ago, I remember talking to Ps Eric about this. Back then, it wasn't this bad. So when he warned me about the impending trend, I didn't take him seriously and brushed it off. Now, I realize how wise he was in pre-empting this situation. And he had the intention to do something about it, just that he had to go off for his sabbathical. Sigh. I miss Ps Eric. Miss talking to him when I have questions and problems. Miss his corniness even.

Maybe one day it'll be my turn. At this point I hope not. But can one really say for sure? Can I say that I'll always stick to my stand and never give in? Ps Eric was right. It gets tougher as the years go by. So is it just about age or is it about softening of christian principles and values the longer we are soaked in the world?

(p.s. I'm sorry I can't be more specific. Just want to voice out some thoughts and have no intention of hurting anyone who might be reading this.)

See above.

I don't even want to talk about it.

Don't know what's gotten into me these days...have been so tired! Had to run an errand in town today...check out some lessons and buy a belated present for my mum...after that it took all my energy to concentrate on driving home without falling asleep at the wheel. Was just trying to get home asap and didn't even have the heart to go shopping as I normally would if I was in town. Got home at like 6 plus in the evening and planned to take a short nap then go to the gym. Haven't exercised for ages...didn't count on myself packing up my room. I think it's a 'thing' of mine. Just can't rest till my room is relatively neat. On my terms of course. Even if I'm really tired, say after a trip or what, I can't leave my luggage and go to bed. I simply must unpack....Anyways, as I was saying, I finally went to bed at about 7plus, intending to wake at abt 8 or so. In the end, I only woke at 9 plus. And I had to force myself out of bed. I think I could have slept till morning or sth if I let myself. So so so so tired. And no, I didn't go to the gym in the end...

Maybe I'm coming down with something. Feel like there's a lump in my throat when I swallow...arrgh. Hate that feeling.

I'm really sick of my job. Had to stop a fight again today. So draining. I'm really beginning to dread going to work. And I guess so it's not so good for the students to have a teacher who doesn't wanna see them...

URRGH. Demoralised, depressed and discouraged. It's D-day.

I don't even remember exactly how we met nor how we became friends. Vague snippets of memories of then only included short, superficial conversations on the bus or in church. The usual stuff people talk about when they meet...work, ministry, background and so on. More specifically, I think I only remember being shocked that you had worked a number of years already at that point of time, because you looked so much like a student. I also remember it wasn't all that easy maintaining a conversation with you because you were kind of quiet. Our conversations, if any, resembled more like a Q and A session, with me doing all the asking. We were so different, or so I thought.

I suppose the turning point came when you moved to BP. I don't even remember how we became closer. Maybe it was the Thai ministry. I honestly have no recollection. But I am quite sure our physical proximity had much to do with us becoming companions to each other. Because we lived in the same area, we often travelled to and from church together. We were in the YA together and then in the same CG, and all that only served to bring us even closer. I think in the beginning, I felt the need to play host and take care of you. Because you were new to the area and because you were living alone. I dunno why, just felt the need to take care of you, to make sure you had your meals, could run the errands you needed and have company as much as possible...you just seem so lost sometimes. I think, on my part, I was also lonely. Even though I'm not living alone, I find that I have to do things on my own a lot. Sometimes if I don't have dinner company, I'd end up not eating at all. (for some reason, my parents don't really eat dinner. Esp now that I don't have a maid anymore). So it just made sense for us two lonely souls to eat together.

We did so many things together. Because we share a love for sports, we often exercised together. Before you came into the picture, I could find no other female who could and was willing to exercise with me. I always ended up jogging with guys. With you around, I had a companion for almost all the sports I wanted to do. All in one. Swimming, jogging, tennis, badminton, gym, hiking (rem our tree top walk and 3 hour long hikes?) and even diving (you were a large reason why I even took it up actually). Because we also share a love for music, that resulted in many ktv sessions, partners in the same ministry of music, sharing of songs/music etc etc. We even bought the exact same mp3 player and accessories together! Come to think of it, there are many things we bought together which are exactly the same! T-shirts, pants (our thailand 3-quarts in different colours), My Yes!, ZARA erhems, sports attire... Gee... no wonder strangers always think we're sisters even though we hardly look alike at all. And it helps that we're about the same size. It's always so convenient for me to take a shower and change into your clothes at your place, and for you to shower and wear mine if we went swimming or jogging at my place. We often went for dinner/supper together, mostly because we stayed near each other and I didn't want you to eat alone. You used to come to my place for dinner when I had a maid. Remember? Our favourite haunts included eating places like Essential Brew, HK Cafe, Crystal Jade, Thai Noodle House, Bt Gombak Teochew Porridge, Beo Crescent Teochew Porridge, Hoshigaoka (all manner of jap eating places actually), Geylang Beef Horfun, Wanchai Teahouse, BP foodcourt's Korean food and Ban mian and M's mother's cooking. Did you know that I used to not like Jap food? I think I got influenced by you.

We shared numerous celebrations over the years. Birthdays, christmas, CNY... Your birthdays were always the most fun because we almost always managed to hoodwink you. The stories that resulted from each episode could all go into a book. Yet, in spite of all your 'blurness' and carelessness, you were an important part of us and of the whole picture. Everyone loved you with a mixture of amusement and fondness. That is why your absence now is much felt.

We went for many trips together too. Mission trips to Thailand, a trip to Cambodia, a diving trip to Tioman and a holiday to HK. It always amazed me that you could seem so blur and lost and absent-minded about your belongings, and yet be able to find your way round. Things would get lost or misplaced, but somehow by God's grace, things would always turn out ok. Because we're so different in temperament, it also amazes me that we can get along with each other. There were many times I felt I'd die of frustration at how absent-minded and careless you are. I'd also wonder how one could be so clueless and sometimes even thoughtless. But I know deep down that you had to put up with me and my temper a lot. I know you gave in to me a lot. And there were probably many things you could have said and wanted to say to me, but you didn't and you chose to bear with me patiently. Maybe when you were around, I hardly said how much I appreciate you and love you. I find it difficult to. But I think you do know that, right?

Did you know/remember? When I first found out you were leaving some 1 year ago, I threw a tantrum? I just got mad at you and I didn't really know why. I guess I felt abandoned. At that time, I think you were just clueless. You probably knew I was unhappy/angry but you weren't sure why. And many times, when it comes to this sort of thing, I wouldn't tell you. There are just some things I find difficult to say/admit to you. I felt at that point of time, that since you weren't going to be around, I should just get used to not having you around, so that when it really happened, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'd be prepared, you know? So for a while, I actually tried to avoid spending time with you. Obviously, it didn't last long. You probably didn't even realise or notice what I was trying to do.

You were the sister I never had. I could always count on you for certain things because your gifts are not mine. And in turn, I felt the need to take care of certain aspects in your life that you weren't so adept in. I guess we complemented each other in this way. We are different from each other in character, yet sufficiently similar in tastes, interests and values to enjoy each other's company. We did all sorts of mundane everyday stuff together...shop for groceries and daily necessities, go for IT shows and what-nots, we could even just nua at each other's houses and do nothing in particular. I think our tastes in a lot of things eventually just converged in later years. We would like the same things/food...we even developed the same likes in people...hahaha...YQ!! teeheehee...

In the last few months, I gradually became aware of a certain 'mo qi' that we seemed to possess. While I know that it is not as apparent and 'freaky' as the kind of 'telepathy' I have with M, G and C, I do know that this slow and steady 'mo qi' is one that has developed as a result of our long and close friendship. A result of conflicts which are inevitable in any human relationship. It may not be astounding, but it is strong and sure, an understanding developed from patience and love for the Lord and for each other. I always say you're living in your own world, and that's why I was surprised when I realised that you do understand the way I tick. We've actually reached a point where you understand what I mean, just from a look.(well, sometimes...) No words. And that amazes me. It's a lot harder for me to know how you think and feel because you hardly say it out. But times that I do, I try very hard to refrain myself from saying or doing what I'd normally do, just so I wouldn't upset you further. You do know that I do try right?

I'm sorry for the times I lost my temper or got angry with you. I'm sorry for the times I was not understanding or was not quick enough to realise you were upset or unhappy. I'm sorry for the times I failed to give you credit or appreciation for trying your best to bear with me or to understand me. I'm sorry for the times I was impatient or mean or unkind with my words and actions. I'm sorry for the times I put my interests before yours and took you for granted. I'm sorry for the times I did not acknowledge the sacrifices you quietly made for my sake. I'm sorry.

Thank you for being the quiet yet wacky companion whom I could always count on for encouragement and support. Thank you for the tears you shed with and for me. Thank you for your sacrifices and patience. Thank you for your reassurance when I had doubts about myself, people around me and God. Thank you for being my verse-memory partner, binging buddy and exercise pal. Thank you for being so much a part of me and my life and ministry. Thank you for your love and acceptance, for making me feel that you'd love me as a sister no matter what I said or did, and most of all, thank you for being the sister I never had... you are sorely and dearly missed...

I love you very much...
J

P.S. I'll be praying for you. I know that this is a lot tougher for you than for me. I know it's hard to be alone after all the love and friendship God has blessed you with over the decade you spent in Singapore. I may never know exactly how tough it is, but I have full confidence that since God has called you to Cambodia, He will provide you with all you need. ALL. Including friends, support and love. Remember our memory verses? Rom 8:32 and Phil 4:19. He will supply. More than you can ever hope or imagine. Trust Him ok? In times of doubt and loneliness, remember the steps He led you through to bring you to where you are. Know that you are where you are because He has brought you there. Don't let the devil deceive you into thinking that you are inadequate for the task or too weak to overcome the obstacle. You are not alone my dear... Take comfort in the knowledge that God loves you very much, that He is in control and that He has a plan for you to fulfill while you are there. Be focused. Also take comfort in the knowledge that there are many people back here and in Canada/HK/Thailand etc etc... who love you and will stand by you even though we are physically far apart. We are all praying for you. May God's comfort, guidance and strength be with you, and may He grant you perseverance and joy as you continue to run this next lap in the race...