The week leading up to Easter this year was a little different compared to other years. For the longest time, Good Friday and Easter became some sort of ritual. A welcome holiday no doubt. But is it only that? That's the danger being a christian in Singapore today. Because things come so easy and because life is somewhat of a bed of roses, people fall into a state of inertia and complacency. Including me.

Sometime last week, I was trying to convince H to go on a short day trip to a neighbouring land after the Good Friday service. In my mind, I was sure that she would say no because she wouldn't want to be a burden to us. Just as i expected, she declined. But because of another reason. She wanted to stay home and spend time with God. I felt really bad. Not cos i tried to persuade her but cos i came to the sudden realization that i had gotten it all wrong. I had forgotten the true meaning of Good Friday and Easter. In short, i had missed the whole point of Good Friday and Easter.

You might think that i would have cancelled plans for the day trip. I wanted to. But somehow i felt that cancelling on the rest who had agreed to go on that trip would be somewhat equivalent to a betrayal of some sort. God forgive me for my eccentric notions. However, i was determined not to let this year's Passover simply just pass me by. I too, wanted to spend some time reflecting on God and His word this year and not just treat it as a holiday. I wanted it to be a Holy day.

I looked forward to Thursday's convention at True Way Presbyterian. Upon arrival, I was pleasantly surprised to see a preacher I knew chairing the service. I forget her name. I can't even remember how i knew her. (prob from childhood) But i did remember that i liked her very much. I won't go into details of the worship songs because that could take up a whole post on its own. But something touched me very much that night. Even now, just thinking about how i felt that night, makes me tear. I can't even begin to describe it. As that preacher prayed, some time in the middle of the praise segment, i just felt this immense feeling of....wretchedness and shame and grief and gratitude wash over me and overwhelm me. The reality of how terribly sinful I am, how unworthy of Christ's sacrifice I am, just swept over me and engulfed me. I can't even remember what it was the preacher said, cos i know it wasn't what she said that brought these feelings on. It was the Holy Spirit. I know it was. I could not help but weep, tears rolling freely down my face. And i didn't really care if anyone saw me. All i could think about was how God could love wretched sinners like us so much that He would be willing to allow His only Son to suffer so much for our sakes. I could almost feel a fraction of what it must have felt like to walk towards that cross of suffering. The grief He must have felt. And i could only say to God at that point of time, "Lord I'm so unworthy!"

I can't remember when was the last time i felt this way. But i have been motivated to renew my commitment to God. I can't say that my walk with God is going to be wonderful from now on, because i can't tell the future and i know i'm far far far from perfect. But i will try.

Good Friday's convention was held at the Expo. A long long way from my new home. I resisted the urge to find company for the long ride because i wanted to spend time reading His word and preparing myself for the service. I decided to read extracts from each of the gospels spanning from Gethsemane to the resurrection , or as much as i could manage in the given time. It was a refreshing experience seeing the same events happening from different perpectives. It was also interesting looking at the similarities and differences that the different authors of the gospels chose to include in their accounts. Maybe you could try it too? =)

May we never forget to remember the true meaning of Good Friday and Easter...

Tuesday's bible study with C was really good. Altho i can't say i absorbed every single thing she said in those 2 hours (she speaks really fast ok...), i think i learnt pretty much.

The strange thing was, somehow many things she said that night made me think abt a certain person. While i know that i don't want to be the person with a plank in my eye, i don't want to deny it when i feel God may be impressing certain things on me. There are things which i know about...(let's call this person F)...F, which i often feel are wrong. Yet, it's hard to pinpoint what the exact problem is. That night's bible study answered some of these questions for me.

I used to wonder why i felt so uncomfortable, sometimes even to the point of feeling disturbed, whenever F songled or prayed. This is also why i left this particular ministry years ago. I thought it was a personal thing i had to deal with and since i din feel comfortable, it just din seem right to stay. What i learnt from C was that the Holy Spirit is present in us to convict and convince us when something is in accord with His will. And when God's people speak, they are annointed with God's authority. They speak forth with the authority of God. And when God's people, who are in tune with Him, hear the message, they know that it is from God and not brought forth by the flesh. When a message comes with the authority of God, it has concord, or harmony with the Holy Spirit in us. So we recognize when something is from God or not. The converse is true. When people who claim to be God's people speak forth without the authority of God, people KNOW because there is no concord.

Some time ago, i heard from someone that F says he/she doesn't like to read the bible. Most of us were like,"WHAT???!". The strange thing was the people he/she told din even seem to think anything was wrong with that. Frankly speaking, i think most of us struggle with reading the bible. Sometimes, i just feel too lazy or too tired to pick the bible up to read. Perhaps on some level, i am the same as F. Maybe i don't like to read the bible. Sometimes, it feels like i have to force myself to do it. There are times, on the other hand, where i really want to just spend time reading and praying. And i know also that no matter how good a reason i have for my state of inertia, going back to the bible is the right thing to do. Recently, i heard from another person, the reason F gives for not wanting to read the bible. He/she says that if he/she reads too much and therefore knows too much, he/she would have to be more holy. (i.e. to do/ obey what is written in the bible) This seems to me the most ridiculous reason i've ever heard!

All this came to mind when C talked about how God levels the playing field for Christians in the area of sanctification. There's no fight on the issue of salvation. The playing field is definitely level. Christ died for you as well as for me. No one comes to the Father except through Christ. No works or merit involved. Then how about sanctification? People have argued that it's not fair that God gives some more talents or spiritual gifts, hence these people can do more for God and store up more rewards in heaven. But what people don't realize is that it doesn't matter how many talents you have, how much you've done for God, or how good you are. God assesses all of us based on our DESIRE for God. Perhaps F thinks that the more he/she does, the better. Perhaps F revels in the known fact that he/she is good in many things. I dunno. But what i am convinced of now, is that all these don't matter. I need to focus on God and desire Him. It's only when we hunger for Him, and press on, that He increases our capacity for Him. Service is just an avenue for us to express our love for Him.

Another thing that stuck in my head that night: If someone is proud, whatever he or she has (in terms of talents) is not of God. God can use ANYONE. Even donkeys. (Balaam...) He doesn't NEED to use us. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (1 Pet 5:5-6)

God is very against pride in people. Have to remind myself. Now i know why God made me only slightly better than average in my spiritual gift. I shared this with H that night also. It's a guard for me against pride. Think God knows that i may fall if i were too good. He's protecting me. That's why people like L can be so good at what he does. Because he's humble. And God knows that he can handle being so good at his gift. I, on the other hand, have to constantly knock myself on the head to prevent it from becoming too big. Not that i think i've very good. Just that i know that i have a tendency to fall into pride, and i have to stop myself before i get there.

Thank you God, for speaking to me. Continue to guard my heart against pride and help me remove any planks that may be in my eyes.

Got this off b again..heh. Hope you don't mind, b! Always thought my primary love language was something else leh..hmmm...not sure if this is an accurate reflection also. Found some questions really hard to answer. Anyway, here are my results.....whaddya think? Accurate?



My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		6
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		5
Words of Affirmation:		4

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

I'm a Lifer!

To you, a job is what pays the bills. You put in your hours, follow the rules, and then go home. Occasionally, you consider quitting, but then you think of how bad the job market is and you reconsider. Whatever happiness you get, you get from your life outside the workplace. Relationships, family, hobbies, and outside creative pursuits are what really matter to you. You're probably taking this test at work because you don't have anything better to do.

Talent: 38%
Lifer: 62%
Mandarin: 51%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

These days are a mixed bag of feelings. In a way, things don't FEEL as bad as it was before. But i don't think it's because things ARE better. Probably because i let my students have a piece of my mind (a huge chunk if you ask me...i'm probably a lot more stupid now with only half a mind left...hahaha...)and also because i'm...i dunno...getting used to the crap that i've been getting? In a way, i'm not kidding when i said i'm tired. In my line, physical tiredness is the norm. But the killer is mental and emotional tiredness. The loss of motivation to do anything anymore because students just don't appreciate you. Nobody likes to feel like a fool. I'm no exception. Sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my time and these *$#%@ just take me for a fool. What for do so many things for them?? Like they care lor! They don't even realise that worksheets they get have been prepared painstakingly for them. What?? They think worksheets grow on trees and we just have to go pluck them off?? Idiots. Do they even know what it feels to have work you prepared torn, lost, thrown away, not done...? Just a couple of weeks ago, one unfortunate @#&%$# had her file ransacked and all her worksheets torn up. She lost her temper, threw her stuff in the air and wept. Her friends were furious as well. In fact, it was like such a big and terrible thing. And, it is. It is a terrible thing to do that to someone's work of labour. (altho i must say that i don't think that much effort was put into the work in the first place) So if students can see that it is a terrible thing, and to some extent, sympathise with this student, then why can they not sympathise with the teacher? How do they think it makes us feel when they treat the things we print for them like %$^%**? But do they care how we feel? No... They live in their own private bubble where the central theme is ME ME ME ME ME. They blame us and say that we don't understand them. They say we have no regard for their feelings. So do they spare any thought for OUR feelings then?

Let's see this from an even clearer perspective...

1. They say we don't care about their feelings and put all the blame on us even tho they did something wrong in the first place and refuse to admit fault.
2. They tear up and misplace work we give them
3. They are quick to say we are unfair in punishing them. Always saying "so-and-so did it too what. why don't u punsh them?" But they fail to see that they did wrong in the first place. Whether others did wrong or not is not the issue.
4. They complain about this and that. Everything. Never sparing a thought for the teacher's feelings.
5. They think that just because we are paid to be teachers, we are also their servants who are expected to take all the shit they give us, and worse still, clean their backsides as well.

Frankly speaking, there are many more. I'm just gonna stop here because i'm just gonna get more depressed and demoralised. So, in view of what little i've listed, do i have a good reason to continue where i am? Why am i teaching?

Why do students think that 1 day of celebrating the existence of teachers is enough to erase the crap that they give us every other day of the year?

And why is it when we do things over and above what we are expected to do, they think that we are PAID to do what we do?? We're not paid to MOTHER them or CARE for them or COUNSEL them you know. We do it because we are genuinely concerned, but they take everything for granted. As if we owe it to them. WE DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!

It stinks when i feel like i'm just waiting for this class to graduate. You know what else stinks? The fact that even in the organisation, it seems that it doesn't matter if you care for your class or not, whether you teach well in class or not, whether you put in effort into lives. What apparently matters is whether you do the EXTRAs well and better still for you if you BRAG about it. Or DISCREETLY send out emails which indicate that you are doing this or that. So basically if you are modest you are a loser. Maybe i've been in this world too long, so much so that i'm starting to be of this world. Sometimes, i think it would be nice if someone in school could recognise that i am trying my best and doing as much as i can for the students. It would be nice if my students could show abit more recognition and appreciation. Nobody cares that i churn out worksheets on my own instead of copying from books. Nobody cares that i take the effort to search the internet just so i can find more ways to engage the NT students. Nobody cares that i bought files for the entire class out of my own pocket because many are too poor or cannot be bothered. Nobody cares that i often buy rewards and treats for students to motivate them and make them happy. What? They think teachers are given money to buy these things izit?? So i don't have better things to do with what little money i have? Or they think i'm filthy rich and have plenty of money to spare?? Crap.

So if i want to stay on in this place, i'm just gonna have to resign myself to the fact that this is the way things are? That people like me are never gonna be recognised or promoted because i do things quietly? That the essence of teaching is not about teaching well and caring for students, but it's in being loud to boast about what you do outside of teaching? So i don't actually have to really bother about students to get a promotion? Just put on a show at the right time for the right people to see?

I just have to face it.

"Look j. Just face it. Face the facts of life. Nobody cares if you take time to talk to students or find out about how you are doing. As long as the p doesn't see it, it counts for nothing. Wanna do it, do in front of him lah. Face it, nobody cares if you put in effort to learn a Norwegian dance for your class or that you took time to book the dance room to teach them the dance. Nobody cares that you took time to distribute the work and labour painstakingly for the IFD nor that you take the effort to edit their work and check on them. You're wasting your time and effort. Why buy stuff for them? Look at them! DO they appreciate it at all? They probably take you for an idiot with too much money and too much time on your hands. At least if you did it in front of the p, it might count for something. You keep quiet about it for what? Nobody knows or cares. What do you get out of it then? It's an investment gone down the drain. How stupid can you get. You should just go live a nomadic life in Thailand or something. At least over there, no one can take advantage of you. Just give it up lah. Nobody sees. Nobody cares. Forget it."

It's Generation ME out there.
Slogan: It's all about me. Ungrateful's the word.