Some days ago, I was walking around Far East Plaza after a late dinner. Most of the shops had closed already, or was in the midst of doing so. One such shop had its shutters halfway down, such that the shopkeeper could only be seen from waist-down.

This particular shopkeeper was obviously a lady, a very leggy one to be exact. Her very long and fair legs extended from a very, very short skirt. A flared skirt, I might add. All would have been fine, if not for the fact that she was not just walking around on the inside of the shop, she was sweeping. Which meant that she was bending over, forwards....and all we bright people know what happens to very short skirts when that happens right? To top it off, she was not only sweeping, she was sweeping the area just next to the shutters. (read: in plain sight of everyone walking along on the outside, as well as in plain view of her male friend standing just beyond the shutters.)

So there she was, butt facing the whole world as it ambled by, short grey skirt, black undies and all....oh, and did I forget to mention that i also knew that it was that time of the month for her? Yes...attribute it to my psychic ability...wings or no wings. Wings are very obvious when contrasted with black. Geez.

I can only say this: I'm so glad, for her sake, that only her bottom half could be seen. (The same reason why people sometimes feel the desire to wear paperbags over their heads.)

In the wee hours of this morning, my dad's arm acted up again. He woke only my brother up and they made their way to NUH A&E at about 2am, leaving us 2 women back at home. They only returned home after I had left for work, some 5 hours later. Apparently the fall a couple of days back had in fact injured or torn a ligament, such that an unfortunate move on my dad's part this morning resulted in a dislocation of his arm. Dislocations are very painful things. I may not have experienced it but that much I know. Now, my dad's arm is in a sling. He's pretty much immobile since he can't drive around or move around much. The doctor's prohibited that. An operation is due next wed to fix the ligament. Meantime, the rest of us are trying to figure out how best to arrange our timings such that my dad gets his meals on time and has people keeping an eye on him. Pls pray that there will be no more mishaps meanwhile, that my dad will be good and not move around too much, and that the time that he's at home before the operation will be as free from pain and discomfort as possible. Thanks =)

My parents are getting old. Not that anyone else is getting younger. It's just that, for so long, my parents were...my parents. Healthy, strong, independent...and at some point of time, even formidable. People I've come to take for granted, to assume they'll always be there...healthy, well, and generally be there for as long as it takes for my brother and I to get married, have kids and watch them grow up.

Of recent years however, many incidents have come along to shake this false belief. My dad is one clumsy old bear. He has been bumping into things, falling down, spraining muscles, suffering from slipped discs....you know, generally doing a pretty good job of damaging himself. When driving, he manages to bang into stationary objects on a regular basis, and to varying degrees. He does a great job of mimicking Adam when these accidents happen. He points the finger to my mom, saying that she was responsible for distracting him.

Today, I was sent into a sudden panic when I received a call from my dad. He had apparently fallen face down while running for shelter during the rain. Everything he was carrying, including a laptop, fell helter skelter into puddles of rain. In bracing himself during the fall, however, he had landed heavily on his left arm and injured something in the process. He was in a great deal of pain and generally unable to move his arm. I rushed home to see him sitting on the living room sofa, facing the balcony and resting the weight of his injured arm on an armrest. He was cringing from the pain and breathing in measured breaths. My mom was at work still, and I could not contact my brother. I felt so helpless not being able to even tell if the injury was serious. The only things I could do were to rush him to A&E and pray.

I hate A&E. It always takes so long I wonder why it's called A&E. I always wonder how they expect patients in pain (and who happened not to be in a life-threatening condition) to just sit there and wait for as long as 3 hours or more. By the time we made our way to NUH, it was peak hours and the estimated time was tagged at 3 and a half hours. I felt like throwing something at the hospital staff. ANY hospital staff. Tell me how comfortable you would feel if you could hear your dad grunting in pain in the back seat of the car as you tried your best to manoeuvre through the rush hour traffic while trying to suppress your anxiety. Or how cool you'd feel if you saw your dad using his other arm to hold up his injured arm, as if it would dangle down if he didn't. Man... To say I was anxious, was an understatement. Ok, but I admit, I am the panicky sort.

Thank God the wait was swifter than was expected. We managed to clear each 'station' at approximately half-hour intervals. A medical staff gave him a sort of pre-assessment, after which he was soon ushered into the consultation room where a doctor did some tests. Then he was given several X-rays before we settled down to wait again. Not too long afterwards, the doctor called us in again after examining results of the x-ray. No fracture and no apparent muscle or ligament tear. Just some contusion (an injury, as from a blow with a blunt instrument, in which the subsurface tissue is injured but the skin is not broken; bruise) and inflammation of tissue, I think. Thank God! My dad would take any downtime quite badly I think.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if all these accidents in recent years is due to his failing eyesight. And then, sometimes, I look at my parents as they sit and do stuff, and realise with a sudden shock how much they've aged over the years. That's when I am reminded of the frailty or fragility of life, of Man. And then my next thought is that of guilt. Of possibly not being able to support them financially if anything should happen to them, even after having worked a good number of years. And of feeling alone, even after almost 30 years of existence...having no one else to share the burden of taking care of my parents with me. Can only take comfort in my not being an only child. Phew.

My brother mysteriously appeared in the waiting room later in the night while we were waiting for medication. We had, by then, been in A&E for about 2 hours, and I was having quite a bit of trouble keeping my eyes open. I was really really tired, having hardly slept the night before. And keeping 40 hyperactive students occupied and at bay for at least half the day wasn't exactly energizing. I was rather relieved at seeing him there. At least it didn't feel so lonely anymore, and the burden of being in charge was greatly lightened. I know at the end of the day, my brother couldn't have done anything helpful, given the fact that we both knew almost zero medical knowledge, but it was just comforting to know that he was around, that he cared enough to be, at least. We had a late dinner at the hospital, a relatively light-hearted one, before retiring home, back to the anxious cluckings of the family mother hen.

With this, I end my tiring and eventful day. I will retire very soon to the comfort of my bed after heartfelt thanks to God. Thank God too, for my TL at BSF...her support, prayers and for raising the distress signal to the other leaders on my behalf. I know all their prayers helped in making the wait swift. Also thankful for friends who took the time to sms me words of encouragement upon hearing the news. Thank you for the sympathy and love, I didn't feel quite so alone afterwards =)

ZzzzZzzzzzz.......

2007 was...difficult.

I started the year on an emotional downward spiral. The start of the year also saw me at my lightest and thinnest, as with all the other times I was unhappy.

2007 was also the one year both my close friends were far away, serving God in a different land. Perhaps I had gotten too reliant on them. Suddenly I found myself doing everything alone. Buying groceries, having dinner, jogging, swimming, shopping......things I used to enjoy doing in my free time, I no longer enjoyed them quite as much. Although I must say that they were, nonetheless, a welcome break from the rest of the stuff my life was filled with.

CG for me had stopped by then because half my CG was no longer in the country, while the only other member of the CG was preparing to get married.

2007 was a year filled with weddings to attend, too many, in fact. Attended close to 10 weddings over the year, but those I really wanted to attend were few and in between.

Work was also more than its usual dose of challenge, both in terms of workload and students. As with other years, I was all maxed out in terms of the number of English classes I could take. But unlike previous years, 2007 was the first time I had 3 levels of lesson preparation. 2 out of these 3 classes were graduating N level classes, which meant I was dealing with students who were not quite so motivated and yet were well on the track to major exams. I had more run-ins with recalcitrant and defiant students in 2007 than any other year I remember. I remember being so drained after one particularly challenging confrontation that I just went home, collapsed on my bed and wept till I fell asleep. On top of that, I was the only teacher in charge of my CCA and struggling to take care of both the girls and the boys. (We'd previously only had girls)

But in spite of all these, one thing remains clear and firm. That God is good, and always will be. Just as He brings rainbows and sunshine back after a storm, God is always there in the midst of my trials and tribulations.

Because of the way things were, I slowly learnt how to be alone without being lonely, and to be more comfortable doing things on my own. I've had some fun shopping for household stuff on my own, happily pottering around NTUC and the likes scrounging for sale items and interesting inventions for cleaning the house. (2007 was also the year I acquired my first vacuum cleaner. Heh.) God was also gracious enough to bring new friends into my life, as well as to bring close friends even closer to me. I'm so grateful and thankful for the pillars of support these friends have been to me =) (Thank you C, Ch, G, A, B, E, YP)

BSF has also been such a blessing. I know that only God could have engineered the reappearance of BSF in my life at such an opportune time. Having a consistent bible study being 'forced' upon me during 2007 was really what my soul sorely needed, although its extent I never knew until it was upon me. Ruth was one book that really spoke to me during this period of 'drought' in my life. Week after week, God heaped upon me lessons upon lessons of His providence and goodness. There were so many things to learn that I could hardly keep up. Taking up leadership position in BSF was something I did not plan nor expect. When I was first approached to take up a position, I was so broken at that point of time that I could not see how I could be in any position to lead others. But God did not give up on me. Some weeks passed and I was approached again, but for a different position. Timing made all the difference in the world. I felt more ready to take up the challenge in spite of being in the midst of a season of recuperation. BSF has since been a constant source of blessing, both in terms of lessons learnt as well as in terms of prayer support. True, it has been tiring and draining because it takes up two precious weekdays each week. But I take comfort in the assurance that God will equip and sustain those whom He calls to serve Him.

And so, here ends my reflection on 2007. It may not have started well, but it has ended well. All the more so with an unexpected gift from God. It's true, God knows what's best and right for us, more than we'll ever know it ourselves. Sometimes we think we know what we're like and what's best for us, and we go around on a wild goose chase, looking for what we think will bring us happiness, only to find that it's not really what we needed after all. And actually all we needed to do was to stop looking and to trust God to provide it in His time. An irony isn't it? That we only find something when we stop looking for it? Nevertheless, I thank God for the gift. An unexpected one, but no less precious to me=)

As I was showering yesterday (showering time = thinking time for j), I was mulling over how I was to approach my challenging class. I knew I needed much love, more than I could humanly give anyway, given the imperfect and fallen creature I am. I didn't want them to see me only as a disciplinarian, which is what I could very well become if I became to focused on trying to change their behaviour. I tried to think what it felt like to be them...possibly bottom of the class most of the time, being shuttled in and out of the Principal's office, being kicked out of class and scolded...I think most punishments out there have already been used on them. There was really nothing more I could do to them that would be worse, or that would make them fear me and toe the line. That, coupled with my not wanting to 'label' them, gave me an idea. I decided I would try to emphasize the point that I was going to try not to label them based on their past record, and see if I could motivate them to work harder at modifying their own behaviour voluntarily. That means, any change would come out of them wanting to be better, rather than being forced to be better. At least for a beginning =)

So for the hour that I was allocated during my subject time in 2 of my classes (both of which are tail-end classes), I did a little activity with them. I gave them each a piece of paper and told them to think about the past. It could have been last year, or the year before, or even earlier. I told them to write down all the things they could remember which they were not proud of doing, things they were ashamed of, things they wished they had never done or could have done better....I gave them examples, being bottom of the class, failing exams, fighting with friends, dishonesty etc....They were to write all of those on that piece of paper, and no one was supposed to look at that piece of paper except themselves. I participated in that activity myself, also wrote down things I was not proud of doing. When all were done, I told them to fold the paper into half so that all writing was hidden from sight. Then they were told to follow my every action. With deliberation, I lifted up my piece of paper and slowly tore the paper into shreds. Their expressions were interesting. Some were stunned and took a while to follow. Some tore their papers with glee. While others looked thoughtful as they tore their piece of paper slowly. And so I explained the exercise to them, telling them that this was a symbolic act, to say that we were going to wipe the slate clean. So what if they are the last express class? So what if they once did things they weren't proud of? It was the first school day in a new school year, and things could be different if they set their mind to it. I told them also, that I was going to try hard not to look at them through tinted glasses and that I looked forward to the good that they were going to do. They may have been bottom of their classes before, but things can change now that they are in a new class with new classmates. I was also very honest with them, as I was with my previous form class. I told them very frankly how low I felt when I realised I was to be their FT, and how lousy I felt to always be given the tail-end classes year after year. But I also shared with them the little activity that the teachers went through and how it taught me that it was important not to label people. As much as possible, I have also tried not to get second-hand information from other teachers regarding my charges and their past behaviour. I was going to know them based on what I see in them this year.

I don't know what went through their minds today. I will probably never know if it served any purpose. But one thing I do know, the fact that this idea crossed my mind and weighed so strongly on my heart afterwards, is something that only God could have engineered. At least I know, that wiping the slate clean, mattered to that one girl who teared visibly after she tore up her paper. For such as her, a new beginning is so important. It must be so scary to be retained in the same level for one more year, put into a class entirely foreign to her and wonder what sort of eyes her classmates are looking at her with. Poor child...

On a happy note, hmm or actually I don't know if it's a good thing for me, but today for the first time, I actually had volunteers when I asked if anyone wanted to be English Rep. Haha... AND the strange thing was, in both classes that I went to, the volunteers were those I have had to send out of class many times before! 2 naughty boys. The 2 I had the most run-ins with in the time I was teaching them. I don't know what to make of them. In fact, for a split second, I even thought they were joking! Oh well...I just hope they sincerely want to help. *gulp* (ok j, must not label, must not label, must not label....) A new mantra for the new year...