Such is the irony of life. Every time some thing hits me, whether it's something someone has said or it's something I happened to have seen, I always have the urge to blog it down because the feeling or revelation is something I want to remember and therefore need to have in writing, placed somewhere I cannot lose. But then every time I try to squeeze time out to blog about it, I sit in front of the comp and....nothing comes out. The feeling is just....flat. And I no longer feel the same impetus I had when the revelation first hit me. Then of course, the motivation kinda fades and I'm left sitting in front of the comp, debating if I should even bother to write. Always have this....'wasted' feeling you know? With no intention of being arrogant, I just can't help but feel 'it' (whatever it may be) would have made good reading material for myself, years down the road. What I write about what I feel, whether it's stuff now or last time, is a good indication about my state, spiritual or otherwise, at that point of writing. It's also a good way of tracing my path, and how I've grown, or not. Like how I realised from reading past entries from a couple of years back, that I seem to have been more joyful before. That even though work was a very real trial, I seemed to be relying so much more on God and was happier in spite of the negatives. And then I wondered what happened to make things change, and when the change happened. A good way of retrospection, the blog is. To me, at least.

Sunday's sermon was good for me. It's strange but, it wasn't really the content as a whole that spoke to me, it was more of single and separate sentences the speaker said, that seemed to be a stark reminder to me about certain things in my life. So although the sermon was really about modernistic idolatry, what I learnt wasn't entirely about idolatry per se.

One of the things which really hit me was:

Who's the Master and who's the servant?

We know in our heads that we are the servants of course. And God is the Master. But is the really the case in my life? Do I behave like I'm God's servant? Like little children, we often treat God like the genie in the bottle - our prayers often about what we want or expect Him to do in our lives. And then sometimes we sulk and throw tantrums when these things are not met, or done in the way we want or expect. Who's the Master then?

I thought about gifts or talents which I've been given. By God's grace. There is a tendency to treat these gifts as our own. Sometimes the longer we 'own' the gift, the easier it is to forget who it really belongs to in the first place. We forget that the gift was given for a purpose - to edify the body of Christ, and not for our own selfish purposes or enjoyment. I strongly believe that God causes the gifts to be developed when we choose to use them the way He meant us to.

Conversely, when we choose to behave as if the gift belongs to us and is at our disposal, He can and will take away the effectiveness or 'edge' the gift used to bring when it was used in the right way. I thought about my gift of music. I'm not fantastic or even close. But I know that what I have can be used to edify the church when I put in my heart and soul to lead in songs for worship. However, I've kinda gone on a hiatus. And am very reluctant to start again because I just feel tired whenever I think about it. I'm not sure what exactly is causing this feeling of lethargy in serving. Could be I was overdoing it when I was leading in both the 7.30 and 11.30 services at some point of time. Or perhaps it's because of a bad experience with some people. I just can't help but feel disturbed when they are around. That's one of the things I really hate about myself. The way I can't seem to get over things. I just mull over unhappy things until I get all depressed and feel ultra tiny and worthless. I don't understand why I mind so much what other people think. Even though they may not be worth my agonising over at all. I just love creating trouble for myself. I irritate me, I tell you.

I thought about how I really don't want to songlead anymore. And then, I realised that in making decisions like this, I was denying God as Master. I should be asking God what He wants me to do with His gift, not making decisions as if I were the master. His gift is for building up His church. All He asks is for a willing heart. He will provide the strength to do everything else that is necessary.

I thought about L. About how work is so much tougher and more tiring for him. Yet, he cheerfully volunteers his gift to serve the church, each time he is able to get off work. There's no mention of, "I'm tired, I want to sit back and relax for a bit." And for that, I am ashamed.

Remember, your gift is not yours. It belongs to God.

This is just one lesson I gleaned from Sunday's sermon =) More to come....if I ever manage to get started again... it's late.

My weighing machine DIED! Guess that says something about the one who has been stepping on it huh? =(

I was TOTALLY DISORIENTED when I woke up this morning! For the first time in a long while, I'm actually TOTALLY awake at 8am in the morning! Know why? *heh*

Cos' I slept a grand total of 14 hours without knowing it at all! If I don't set my alarm the night before, the thing that usually wakes me in the morning is the warmth of the sun. (Actually, that kinda irritates me because I would REALLY rather wake up much later) Anyway, when I gained consciousness, a whole train of questions flooded my mind, all of which I couldn't seem to answer! It was a really strange experience...a 'lil like what an amnesia patient would feel, I expect.

"Is it day or night?? What time is it?? Am I late for school??? Ok, I think it's morning.. Wait, which morning?? Ok I think yesterday was Friday, so today should be Saturday right? Ok, it's Saturday....Saturday morning..Time? 8plus...gee..that's early for someone like me...why am I up so early? hmm...nvm...I'm going back to sleep...."

*switches on the aircon and settles back into bed*

"Hey! How come I don't remember watching the exciting 9pm show last night?? Wasn't it the last episode? If I was at home last night, I would have watched it! How about the flower show?? I LIKE that show! How come I don't remember watching it??? Think, j, think....okok did I have dinner?? What did I have for dinner?? Think think think.....HEY! I didn't have dinner!! How come I didn't have dinner??? AAARGH....okok...what time did I sleep?? Think think think....think think think....gee...I really can't remember...uh....ok what was the last thing I did before going to bed? Erm...I was on fb and I checked my mail...waitaminute....I did all that soon as I got home from settling my cca stuff at Toa Payoh...I got home about 6pm!! 6PM!? So I slept at 7PM???"

Only at this point of the time did the realisation hit me...that there was a big blank in my memory simply because there WAS a blank! I was sleeping the entire time. And the thoughts going through my head just before I went to sleep yesterday all came back to me. I remember thinking that I would take a nap, before going out for dinner on my own (my parents were out for CG and my bro would typically be back only after midnight) and I also made plans to sit in front of the gogglebox for the above-mentioned shows. It was to be my first night of leisure after all the hectic rush of the past month or more.

Wow....I applaud myself....I don't think I've ever slept this long. Not even when I'm pooped after camps or mission trips. I'd somehow still be able to wake up long enough for dinner before collapsing into bed. I guess maybe subconsciously my body knew there would be no dinner waiting on the table for me even if I did wake up, so I might as well have slept all the way. Or maybe God knew that my tired, about-to-fall-sick body needed the much-delayed rest. Boy....I have been REALLY REALLY tired...running on reserve after my batteries had gone flat, running on God's grace...=)

Boy am I hungry now...

I guess I've always known, but perhaps it never quite made an actual impact till today. Not that anything major happened...was more like an observation, random thoughts and then...realisation.

Realisation 1.
Most men (that I know at least) look for women who will rely on them. Perhaps on some level, that is important to them. They look not just for companions but for a certain type of woman who will be happy to depend on them for this or that, and to make them feel needed. Maybe, to a certain extent, everyone wants to feel needed. Whether men or women. Just to a different extent, that's all. But by enlarge, to the normal male, (or from what I observe amongst my colleagues) a 小女人is more desirable than the other camp. Maybe even one who will defer to his whims and fancies. (ok maybe not that extreme). I wonder why that is so.

Realisation 2.
I'm not a 小女人. I'm stubborn, have my own strong opinions about things and how things ought to be done and I like having my own space, and time to do my own things.

Conclusion
You can put that together yourself.

Prologue...abt 6 months before...

H's phone starts to show signs of failure in weird ways...(like owner, like phone). Examples of defective behaviour? Only certain buttons working or particular buttons getting stuck, such that a simple phone conversation would sound like this...

H: hello? J? I need your help...something's wrong with my phone!
J: Like what? how? What happened?
H: I can't talk long, it might go bonkers any minute...and only the down and left buttons are working!
J: Heehee....well, it's a good thing it's not the up and down buttons that are working only...
H: Anyway, I'm supposed to meet someone later but I can't seem to get to his number... my phone is driving me nuts!!
J: Ok, what u want me to do?
H: Let me try to....*PEEEEEEEEE....* ello?? *PEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE...peepepeeepeeeeeee*.....
J: HELLO?? AAAAHHHH..... (more beeps in the backgrd...hangs up in frustration...)

Some months later...(may/june)
J visits H in dusty land and volunteers to bring the phone back home to fix...but the silly phone suddenly resumes its normal behaviour. J and H are at a loss. Finally H decides to wait a couple more months till she returns to sg and get it fixed herself if it's cranky again.

September
H is back in sg. Her phone is behaving itself again. Evidently it is somewhat fearful of being sent for service. It is on its best behaviour and never once utters a peep. H gives up the notion of sending it for repairs. Off the phone goes...to maple country and back to sg....no prob.

End September
H returns to dusty land. The morning she leaves...

J: eh, msg me soon as u arrive hor. So I know u got there safely.
H: ok.

10 hours later...
J: OY! you're supp to msg me when u arrive! Are u there yet??
H: Phone's koo koo gin. Ho ? Sigh. Ki p no go. Mi ?!
J: HAHAHAHAHA.....Is that english?? HahahahAHaaahaa...