Lately, a lot of things have happened that made me feel...well, disturbed. Things which have gradually come to seem normal, commonplace... things which used to be unheard of or kept under wraps, are now all coming into the open. They have become 'nothing to be ashamed of', 'there's nothing wrong with that', 'I couldn't help it' or even 'God made me this way'.

Till death us do part vs Till divorce us do part?
Met a childhood friend lately. Haven't been in touch with her but bits and pieces of her story still come to me because the world is only so big. She's a year younger but she's been married about a year and a half now. Her love story? Well, some might say it was romantic.

I mean, they did meet by chance.........over the internet...
And they did kinda hit it off.... ......can't say the same now...
They seldom quarrelled while courting...then again they barely saw much of each other since they lived in different countries...
Sparks did fly i suppose................which explains why they married within a year
Had a romantic outdoor wedding abroad...nevermind their relatives are across the continent and money wasn't exactly plentiful and one was a student while the other had only worked a year...

Perhaps i'm being skeptical. But it really didn't seem the wisest thing to do. It wasn't like they were old and pressured by family...I really don't understand it. Is marriage really so casual and 'cheap' now? May be years later I'll be forced to eat my words when i see how loving they are. Perhaps the length of time you know each other before marriage isn't important. Perhaps marriage can be void of practicality, almost. Perhaps. But right now, all I see is a marriage where expectations are there but not met, and where both are too tired to work things out. Is this what marriage is all about?

Love knows no bounds...
More and more, I find this to be true. The boundaries just get wider and wider. In fact, sometimes i doubt there are even any boundaries at all!

Just two days ago, I heard on air the love story of a 22-year-old guy. Could have sounded pretty normal you know. I mean, it was kind of typical. Fell in love at 18. Met at the workplace. And oh-the-freedom-and-wonder-of-being-in-love... And like a soap opera, the story ends with the other person dying of we-don't-know-what. The tragedy of it all. The tears. And sorrow. "I'll never fall in love again." he says. But you know what the punchline is? He was in love with a HIM. A real life story with sympathies from all around. Aired on national radio, on a channel which feeds many young minds. "What's the big deal?" you say... that question in itself is the big deal.

Don't want? Throw away la...
As society here gets affluent and westernised, the mindset is such. When faced with a tough decision when shopping? BUY. Don't want later then throw away la... BGR. To get together or not? Just do it! Cannot get along then break up la. To get married or not? Marry first. Cannot then break la.

What happened to the idea of "thinking of the consequences" and therefore "weighing your actions"? Are we so confident that we'll be able to handle things, no matter what the consequences are? Hence, no need to think anymore? Prevention is better than cure is passe, man. Now it is most definitely Let us eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die... Just today, we read about the newborn being flung down 8 storeys. Just this year alone, there have been many, many cases of babies being abandoned cruelly by the same person who brought them into this world. Just do it. Got baby? Throw away la...

I'm being pessimistic, you say.... (with one hand behind my ear) har? what's that you say? I'm too idealistic? Naive? Innocent even? I've got to be more liberal and open-minded? Should I? Ought I?

I may not always say it
I may not always care
But deep inside I know
I'll always want to be there

Many times eloquent words fail me
I'm reluctant to let it show
How much your friendship means to me
How I pray that it would grow

To be a precious pearl in time
I am confident of this end
That if we guard our oyster well
Trials will beautify the gem

So dear friend I pray each day
Be o so patient with me
Together we will look to God
For grace to face what we cannot see

Thank you for trying so hard to make things right. I know it was difficult and frustrating for you guys. I cannot guarantee that this sort of stupidity won't repeat itself because to some extent, this happened because of the way i think, because of the way i am. I'm not making excuses for myself. But i hope whatever i wrote earlier will help you understand abit of how my mind works and perhaps that will help you show me the same grace you showed me this time.

Thanks, G, for calling so persistently and repeatedly...heh. You're really alot like me. And if we are as similar as we always say, i think i can imagine the anger and frustration that must also have come into the picture one time or other. Thank you for your smses expressing your concern and for understanding before i even had to voice it out. Love and hate you (sometimes) for being my tu-zi-li-de-hui-chong. heh.

Here's to better days, and most importantly, a stronger and sweeter friendship which will be able to withstand all the stupidity we can muster between us...

Thanks, H, for being silently but very surely, there for me. Thank you for allowing me to sense how much you care for me and love me as a sister and friend. To tell you the truth, i was so touched by your smses, i almost cried. You always say you're not good with words, but you know what? I think you always have just the right words to encourage and to soothe the soul. I never told you how much i have come to rely upon you as a dear friend. You are like the sister i never had. I mean, like, we were sharing clothes, food, living quarters...uh...u name it man! haha... I'm sorry if i haven't been sensitive to your needs and feelings. I know you tend to keep quiet about a lot of things. But i want you to know you're very dear to me and notwithstanding my stupidity and childishness, i'll be there for you when you need me k? You just have to let me know. Sometimes i can be pretty dense too. Hee. What to do? Jin zhu zhe chi, jin mo zhe hei...

Here's to our sweet but blur sisterhood, and a special toast to our one and only... beloved dodo....! Hahaaa...

Just a token of my appreciation for being more than just there for me...

Sigh. Am gonna attempt to pen down what i've been feeling and what has been going through my head for the past week.

Been feeling removed. Yeah, think that's the word. Feel like a plant which realized what pleasant surroundings it has been growing in, glad for the pleasant sense of belonging, but have recently been uprooted from those surroundings and removed from that sense of belonging. Yes, while i still may be in that forest and not bundled up to be sold or burnt, still feel...you know...removed. Rather unwanted. Suddenly things that i'm unable to do or enjoy with certain people stands out in stark contrast. Suddenly i'm not quite as similar or part of that group anymore. Suddenly, the realization is there, that hey, people can and do enjoy things when i'm not there. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. And i dun expect it to. But i guess it hurts when you feel disposable and replaceable.

Sterotypes...customs...traditions... Think these could be the undoing of us humans. Who says dessert must come after dinner? Who says we must get married and have children at a certain age? Who says women must always look pretty? Who says we have to go out friday nights? Yeah well. Came to the sudden realization that i've been spending friday nights with pretty much the same people. This realization only came when lo and behold, these people decided to have a night out without me and i found myself clueless and activityless. And as luck would have it, it had to be the day which would have been the anniversary of a relationship, should i have decided to stick on with that certain person. Ha. Life has a wonderful way of coming to such a head, doesn't it?

So anyways, my solution to my problem was to distance myself from that group and go find other ways of occupying myself. So that i wouldn't be left high and dry when it happened again, and so that i could protect myself from hurt. Ya well. You may say its something trivial. Ah, but let me assure you, this can be pretty big when you're in it. Perhaps at some level i even felt betrayed. Yah yah...i know i know... its stupid...but weil, there you have it.

So the past week, i have been pretty much trying to put my plan into action. Distance. It's been pretty hard i guess. Trying to act like nothing is wrong and pretending to laugh and joke. Hate confrontation. So when asked what's wrong, because i dun quite know wat to say (how to verbalise my paranoia and stupidity, even though i really believe it??) i chose to ignore. Whether it was calls or smses. Been trying very hard to find things to occupy my time. But i guess it gets lonely. Especially when a large group of them are going away, while i'll be home alone cos my family will be going on a trip for more than two weeks. Now that i think of it, the house is rather big. Gonna hate the nights man. ARrrgh. And the housework just puts me off. The past week of cleaning the entire house has been back-breaking work. Soon i shall have to do all that by myself. Getting sick of outside food. And eating alone.

Know something weird about me? I guess i kinda indirectly expect people to know wats up with me. Unreasonable huh? You see, I hate telling people what i'm upset about because then the next time the issue comes up and people do certain things to rectify the problem, i get sensitive and feel like i'm being pitied. I think thoughts like, "They're just doing it cos of what i said. If I didn't say so, they wouldn't have." And then i feel like perhaps they dun really mean to. It's just to make things better and less awkward or just to put up with my childishness. Sux huh? So that's why i dun like to tell people when anything is wrong. Either they know it or they dun. Dun wanna be pitied or patronised.

Yeah well. So that's how my mind has been working. Whether it's right or wrong is not the issue. Cos when you have thoughts like these eating inside you, no right thing you hear is gonna change the way your mind tends to think. Freak.

My head hurt...

Today has probably been the single, most unproductive day of my life that i remember. Did nothing but stay home and lie down. Was plagued by a splitting headache. Everytime i attempted to sit or stand up, a wave of pain would come shooting up into my head like a rocket. Couldn't even bring myself to watch vcds or surf the net cos none of these brainless activities allowed for lying down. (no, i do not approve of watching tv lying down. this is a value i intend to pass to my kids if i ever have any.) I did try to blog earlier but my headache just refused to budge and i had to surrender to a wave of nausea that came as a result of my bullheadedness.

Perhaps the only good thing that came out of this is that i wasn't able to think too much. Cos that just made my head worse. Thinking too much may have advantages such as stimulating brain cells so that they dun become obsolete (Actually this is just my own theory... but i really believe it!) but i think thinking too much, at least with the frequency and intensity i do, probably kills my brain cells. Plus, the more i think, the more warped my thoughts become.

Wondered why my head hurt so. Wondered if it was cos of my neckache. Think i sprained or at least twisted my neck yesterday while playing volleyball. Somehow, when one is in a not-so-good frame of mind, everything one does just goes down the hill. Including in games. Think yesterday's vball was probably one of my worst. Missed most of the spikes. Either that or gave real lousy ones. You know, the kind that gives a resounding slap but goes only as fast as a snail and as far as a bowling ball thrown by a three-year-old child. Bleah.

Asked a doctor fren if a neckache could cause a splitting headache. He said he didn't think so. Was relieved but could have sworn it was connected. urrgh. The neck is one of the body's mysteries. It apparently doesn't do much except turn the head which it holds up. Other than that, it is only pretty much there for females to adorn with jewellery, or at least, what often is supposed to be jewellery but doesn't the least bit look like it. Oh, and it can get pretty troublesome cos you apparently have to scrub it. (Sorry lah, I din know that!) But yeah wat say, when you twist it the wrong way, boy does it hurt! It turns your world upside down. You can no longer look at things around you the same way. You have to TURN YOUR ENTIRE BODY ROUND to look at things and people to you right and left!! And i tell you, as a driver, this neck thing is a PAIN!! It hurts like MAD everytime you park and everytime you check your blindspot!!

Am glad for paracetomal. It relieved my head, though not my neck. Am glad i'm not allergic to paracetomal like a fren of mine is. heh. Her eyes swell up each time she takes it. Which pretty much means she has to bear with pain, aches and fevers. Quite poor thing. Am glad for sleep. Which i had a lot of. Am beginning to feel age catch up on me. Just the other day, i started having backaches from vacuuming and mopping the house. And whenever i delay or skip meals, my gastric problems come back. Even as i type, i feel my stomach growling. It's like a chemical lab in there. Or a band playing with lots of drums. Sometimes it gets hard to accept that i've already reached the age where i'm actually too old to join certain competitions. Not that i want to. But yeah, it feels like the world is moving on without me.

But you know what? I think that in everything bad, God always gives us things to brighten our day. Even if it may be something very small. It just takes some looking. Today, i'm thankful for friends. Though there are things i still feel upset about, and i think perhaps things might never quite be the same again because of certain sore spots, i'm glad for friends who care.

KTV... once upon a time this word created waves in my small and undulating world... Friday last ktv became a crack on my fondest memories.

CHANGE....sometimes i really hate that word. Man is always trying to change the world and the people that live in it. Development is always seen as a good thing. a necessary thing. Technology, medicine, architecture, fashion...you name it. People are always trying to change one another. Girlfriends want their boyfriends to be more romantic, more sensitive....Boyfriends want their girlfriends to be less possessive, more submissive....Wives want their husbands to be cleaner and active in the household... Husbands want their wives to nag less, let go more... and the list goes on... Yet, the irony of it all is, deep down humans also rebel against change. Especially as we age. We hate having to GO THROUGH that change that, many a times, directly or indirectly we have caused ourselves. Quite a thought huh? And then there's the fact that we always try to change others, hate it when others try to change us and somehow cannot or refuse to change ourselves. Now THAT'S another thought huh?? Contradictory creatures us humans...

Uni days were my most memorable. Not many people get the chance to do what they enjoy doing most with like-minded people and having a goal and direction at the same time. By God's grace, i had that chance. I will always give thanks to God for placing me there, in my specific role and position. But last friday, this memory was marred by the sudden realization that things could never be the same again... Yes, obviously i do know that time can never go back. We could never return to where we were before. But it's disappointing..even devastating when you realize that even the people you knew so well to be a certain way with certain values could change. I dunno if going abroad to study changes your perspectives and values negatively or just that going abroad gives you a chance to reveal what you're really like inside and manifests what you really think inside. It's like a chicken and egg issue. I always think, perhaps if i were the one who went abroad, i would be that person that i dun wanna be. People i knew to be passionate about God, no longer are. People i knew who hated certain things (and for a good reason) now practise them. WHAT'S GOING ON MAN??! And these are people i looked up to at some point of time... It's like this wave of incredible sadness washed over me when that realization hit me. It would have been better if i never found out the change, that way i could keep those memories intact and it would always be sweet. But now that I know....

In the midst of change, you know what i find comforting? People and things that have not changed. That night, amidst the discovery of undesirable change, i also discovered a ray of light. A single friend i've not kept in touch with, nor seen much in recent years. (oh, and i dun mean he's single ok....i mean, he is, but that's out of the point) He was his same ole self. Still frank, cheerful, simple, loves God, enjoys singing...basically just enjoying the simple good things in life, including meeting up with old friends. He was the rock in my rocking world. And it felt even more comforting to know that i wasn't the only one thinking my weird thoughts. As i leant over to tell him how glad i was to find him his good ole self, he gave a peaceful, knowing smile and said,"I know exactly what you mean." Thank you God for the simple assurances you give in simple ways.

heyho...it's been a truly long time...

Finally have time to breathe and do all the things (well, mebbe not all but...) I've been needing and wanting to do. Dunno wat things are like back in THE-LAND-OF-NO-RETURN (that's wat i call my workplace anyway cos the ogreboss dun seem to like us going home very much. Always trying to make us all stay as late and long as possible *grrrr*) cos i haven been going back this week. Beginning to worry about my laptop, sweater and other miscellaneous stuff that I've neglected to bring home. Think I need to pop by tmr to check things out.

What i've been up to:

A)
1. cycling to school
2. walking to school (yes, that takes a good 40min)
3. jogging at least once in two days
4. swimming
5. tennis
6. badminton

Summary:
attempting to save money on transport and leisure, and lose weight at the same time (uh huh, someone has come up to me to say i put on weight. Yes, i know she also said she thinks i look better like that...but hey, who's she trying to kid man??!)

B)
1. vaccuuming the whole house
2. washing the toilet
3. taking out the rubbish
4. cleaning up my family's mess
5. making the beds
6. buying lunch for the family
7. washing the dishes
8. buying groceries
9. killing pests
10.nagging my parents about keeping the house clean

Summary:
Being THE HOUSEWIFE *ARRGH* (yeah, my maid has gone back)

Tmr starts another day of vacuuming, mopping, washing the toilet and stuff... sigh. at least Liu Xing Hua Yuan is there to perk me up. *heh* SO WhAt if I'm watching it for the second time??