29 July 2005
posted by j at 7/29/2005 01:33:00 PM

I gave an assignment to my class a while ago. Their task was to choose someone in the school and write a one-page 'essay' describing that person without mentioning his or her name. The purpose was to get them to use descriptive language. And for some reason, there were 2 particular teachers that many students chose to describe...

"She is around the age of 45, but she looks older, She always want to attract attention. She always wear those sleeveless shirts. Her skirts are always long, but she tends to pull it higher so that it seems shorter. her make-up is very thick, like a ghost. She always scratch the places she shouldn't scratch in front of our class. She always wear those colourful shirts and skirts to attract attention. She always scold us for nothing....she walks like a lady shopping in the market."

and again...

"She is around the age of 40 plus. She teaches quite a lot of classes. She have the hair the same like maggie mee. She always wear revealing clothes and always put on thick make-ups. She kind of ugly to me and her smile is so disgusting. She have a loud voice and she's married. She have entique car, very suitable for her. She doesn't wear spectacles, if she wear, she will look even uglier. She wore clothes of the teenagers. She don't admit she OLD."

makes me shudder to think what things they say about me behind my back...

There's another teacher several students talked about...

"He is a guy. He is married already. He wears spectacles. He also comes to our class for two periods and only one day. He always has that wicked smile on his face. He is always sweating, and his shirt is always wet as if his house is at CCK and he walks to school. He is nearly bald, infront no hair behind got hair. Salvia is always coming out from his mouth and sometimes cannot make out what he is talking about. He has a big tummy. He is kind of friendly. He is a guy of normal height, not too tall, not too short."

and again...

"He is a male who can be very interesting at times and also very scary at times. He can shout till you drop dead. He can also be a little friendly at times. He has a nasty grin that kind of makes you feel uneasy. He always comes into the class lokking like he is going to scold someone. He also comes into the class looking like he just had a bath before coming into the class as his shirt is always filled with sweat."

See what a mean boy said about his classmate...

"He does not wear spectacles. He is very tall and looks like a ostrich. He got a alien-like head, he also got long hands and fingers. he runs very fast, fastest in class i guess. He likes to play computer. His school results are moderate."

and another..

"Sometimes his hair very nice. Sometimes he look very cute like a teddy bear. When he do his work his face turn very serious. His ears are like the ear of buddha...."

"He is tall but not strong. He is fat and he like to eat oily food and drink sweet drinks. Everyday when he reach home he will make milo and drink. He is good at computer and like to play computer also. He like to talk alot even if you didn't talk to himm he will talk to you on its own. He laugh like he's dying. I hate the sound he make when he laugh, it is disgusting. When he talk, he will add some action into it."

Wanna know what they said about me??
 
28 July 2005
posted by j at 7/28/2005 08:56:00 AM

Sigh. The things I do for my students. Sometimes i'm amazed at the crap i have to think up, just to get them to learn or remember things. Give you an example. I'm teaching a sec 4NT class. They are academically slow learners, not entirely cos they are not smart or anything. I think a lot of them are actually quite smart. Just that either their attention span is too short, or they are hands-on learners. Which doesn't exactly work very well in a subject like ENGLISH. Sigh. Anyways...I was trying to get them to remember 9 words. 9 Modals to be precise. Why? Because they tend to forget that a verb that comes after those words has to be in its root form. Without any '-ing', '-ed' or '-s'.

These are the 9 modals: May, Might, Shall, Should, Can, Could, Will, Would, Must. It's almost an impossiblity giving them a list of 9 words to memorise, so i had to think of a way to make it easier. Hence, i organised them like this:

May, Might
Will, Would
MUST
Shall, Should
Can, Could


Then I highlighted the first letters of each line (except for the 'MUST')like this...

May, Might
Will, Would
MUST
Shall, Should
Can, Could


and i tried VERY HARD to come up with a corny phrase that was linked to the thing, and that they would remember... (Bear in mind that it has to be the sort of crappy thing would stick in their minds. Bear in mind also that i'm not very creative by nature. It was rather an ordeal you know.) so i came up with this phrase...

Man & Woman MUST Sign Contract


and by that, i meant MARRIAGE of course...

And you know what? It worked! =) They REMEMBER! =) =)
 
27 July 2005
posted by j at 7/27/2005 09:28:00 AM

Read this in a nutrition 'magazine' i subscribe to on the net, so thought i'd share it with you guys... pretty true in some sense.


- A diet is a weigh of life.

- It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

- It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
 
26 July 2005
posted by j at 7/26/2005 01:34:00 PM

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to
a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deson't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in he rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig
huh?
 
25 July 2005
posted by j at 7/25/2005 06:44:00 PM

Just started on a book. Hope i get to finish it. Not too good with christian literature. Have only read chapter 1, but thought that was already rather insightful. The book is entitled "The Vanishing Conscience", by John MacArthur.

Chapter 1 is titled "Whatever Happened to Sin?"
Contrary to what you may first think when you hear this title, Sin has not disappeared. In fact, it never will until Christ's 2nd coming, no matter how hard we try to be good. The book likens our conscience to pain receptors in our physical body. Just as pain sounds the alarm that something is wrong with our bodies and urges us to seek help, conscience alerts us to the fact that something is wrong in our spiritual life and to the presence of sin, so that we can do something about it. Many sin, but are not willing to live with the guilt that comes with it. As a result, society has evolved to convince itself that guilt has to be done away with, because it is "not conducive to dignity and self-esteem". The book also says rightly, that "an admission of guilt today clearly is considered incompatible with the popular notion of 'wholeness' and the need to protect the fantasy of a good self." Hence, the increase in commonplace phrases in counselling like "it was not your fault", "you were a victim of your circumstances", " you couldn't help it", "you must learn to forgive yourself", and even "guilt is not helpful to your self-esteem, you must feel better about yourself". Society encourages sin, but it will not tolerate the guilt sin produces.

It's all linked. If guilt is erased from the formula, then sin is also out of the picture. No guilt, no sin. No moral standards will be upheld anymore cos people are absolved from personal responsibility. "Anyone can escape responsibility for his or her wrongdoing simply by claiming the status of a victim."

Let me quote you an example from the book. It's a true story that happened in America.
"A man who was shot and paralyzed while committing a buglary in New York recovered damages from the store owner who shot him. His attorney told a jury the man was first of all a victim of society, driven to crime by economic disadvantages. Now, the lawyer said, he is a victim of the insensitivity of the man who shot him. Because of that man's callous disregard of the thief's plight as a victim, the poor criminal will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He deserves some redress. The jury agreed. The storeowner paid a large settlement. Several months later, the same man still in his wheelchair, was arrested while committing another armed robbery."

Can you believe it?? What kind of jury are these?

And yet, this is the way society is starting to look at things. Sin is now no longer sin, it is a disease. Commonplace problems such as emotional weakness, depression, and anxiety are also becoming quasi-medical, rather than spiritual, affliction.

Well, the bottom line is (at least what i learnt is), it's time for us as christians to take the lead, especially when society is turning away from God. We need to start reflecting on our lives and our attitudes. Are we putting the blame on everything and everyone else but ourselves? Are we making ourselves out to be the victims and hence not taking responsibility for our wrongdoings? In 1 John 1:8-9 John says, "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

I myself am often guilty of shifting the blame to others, I need to learn to take responsibility for my actions, and to confess my sins before the Lord so that i might receive forgiveness and be made clean. Let us not join the world in making ourselves out to be victims of circumstances, but to admit to our own moral failings and strive to do better henceforth, by God's mercy and help.
 
posted by j at 7/25/2005 06:25:00 PM

Now i know why God included TOIL as part of the package after the Fall. Idleness is NOT GOOD. When i'm idle, i find i get assaulted by all sorts of thoughts. They may not all be evil, but they're certainly not helpful. The only good thing that comes out of it all is that sometimes i just fall on my knees and pray. I pray that God will, in His mercy, help me to put those thoughts away and to help me think only about things that are important and to think about Him. And think about what i shall do in future. This restless, antsy time is all too familiar. I remember something of this nature happening about half a year ago. A short bout of it happened about 3 months ago. I'm fortunate God took me out of THAT bout. Thank God. Need to stop thinking...NEED....TO.......STOP.........

I wish...*sigh*....nvm. It would take a miracle.

ARRGhh....wish i could cut my head into two and fish out the thoughts i dun want and dump them somewhere far away. Not too long ago, i wished something somewhat similar. I wished i could cut my head into two halves and scoop out the blasted mucus and phlegm that was clogging up my system, and dump the disgusting stuff into a toilet bowl to flush away....


Help! NEED.....TO........STOP........THINK...ING........
 
posted by j at 7/25/2005 04:00:00 PM

1. "You need to have good classroom management! How can you teach if you don't manage the classroom??" ----funny, never thought a classroom could be managed. Thought it'd be the class that needed managing. oh well..

2. "Students changing in the changing room, pls come out now. I repeat again..." ------ when will people learn that you either repeat, or say things again...can't do both....

3. "Students! The bus will be leaving in 30 seconds time! Pls board up the bus now! ----- ?? WHY??? so no one can look out??

4. An irate elderly teacher says..."Students NOWSADAYS Ahh...." -----Gosh!...now i know why my students say that....

5. "Now class, I want you to focus on your work and finish the worksheet Arse Soon Arse Possible..." *giggles from the class, who repeats this to every single teacher who walked in after this episode* ----- yes, i had a really hard time teaching them grammar after this, because every time i said they had to remember to put 's'es after verbs following singular subjects, they just cracked up!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:
In case anyone is even vaguely interested in what i was talking about in the last point above, singular subjects would refer to words like He, She, It....etc.
Verbs that come after these subjects/pronouns would have to be in singular form, i.e. with the 's'. E.g. He eats, She jumps, It talks.....As opposed to He eat, She jump, It talk......which are wrong......Get it??
 
22 July 2005
posted by j at 7/22/2005 01:15:00 PM












The Keys to Your Heart



You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.



What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
 
20 July 2005
posted by j at 7/20/2005 12:18:00 AM

Was reading this when i was 'infected' by the same bug. i'm awful at poems but who cares. I write wat i want. hmph. Call it peer pressure if u must! heh.

MY WEEK
Monday is dreary, it makes me weary
Tuesday's no song, the week feels too long
Wednesday's better, in cg i can chatter
Thursday is brighter, my burden feels lighter!
Friday is long, but i plod along
cos the weekend is here, heck with work arrears
Saturday's a joy. Exercise! OH BOY!!
Sunday starts bright, makes me strive to fight
the battle to do Right, as it looms near with night
 
19 July 2005
posted by j at 7/19/2005 11:57:00 PM

It was your birthday not too long ago. I got home tired today. Thought i'd collapse onto my bed and fall asleep straightaway. But i couldn't sleep. For some strange reason, i started thinking about what i wrote in your card. I guess i was just trying to be politically correct. After all, i don't know u well at all. I wanted to bless you, so i wrote general things i could think of on the spur of the moment. But my style is not to write generic comments and birthday wishes. What i really wanted to write was this:

Year after year on your christmas cards, i write the same thing. I express regret for a whole year that passed without our getting to know each other even a little better. I also say how nice it would be if the following year could be different. I'd still say that in this card. But somehow things have been marred between us. Which is strange, considering we're kind of just acquaintances. I guess the problem lies with me then. I often lie in bed thinking about what transpired between us that night. Technically, it was a monologue. Kind of. I don't think you even took in my explanation. All i knew was, i was being bombarded with all sorts of accusations which made my soul scream out "UNTRUE!" I felt hurt, and wronged. And yet, i had no right to expect you to believe in me, because u didnt really know me. Frankly, i got into this mess partly because i stood up for a friend i believed in. I stood up for her because i believed in her character and i knew she was not capable of what you and others accused her of. But how come no one stands up for me? Yes, i understand you didn't experience things firsthand, so perhaps you didn't really know the reality of things. But i really did think it was unfair of you to believe everything you were told, especially when we all know words get twisted, knowingly or unknowingly, in conversations. Afterall, we can't always relay the exact same words we hear. It was even more unfair to me, for you to hurl accusations, based on secondhand accounts, at me. I think, at the end of the day, there must be something wrong with the testimony i'm giving others. There must be. Why else would a friend of ten years not stand up for me and defend my character, and even choose to think the worst of me? Why else also, would you deem it fit to accuse me of wrongdoing? Considering that we are merely acquaintances, and that our interaction is sparse and limited to what little we see of each other in church, i must be behaving in a way that gives people the idea that i am what you say. One who knew me chose to believe the worst. Another knew me not, and also chose the same. I must be a bad testimony.

I don't know why this bothers me so. It haunts me, it really does. Every time i see you, it makes me wonder. Have i really gone so wrong that my character counts for nothing and warrants no defence from wrongs? Had to get out of bed, and get this off my chest. Perhaps i really need to reflect on myself.
 
posted by j at 7/19/2005 02:03:00 PM

Went running on Sunday evening with 3 others. Was nice to be running in a relatively bigger group than the usual pair or solo. One of our usual routes involved running along a canal in a relatively unpolluted area, followed by cutting through some private estate, past a busy road and then last but most definitely not least, slogging up a very long slope. Generally, most people are fine with running on level ground. I am too, on most days. But the slope.....THIS SLOPE....really takes the wind out of you...It's not only arduous and terribly exhausting, it's mentally draining because you really have to super-psych yourself up, especially halfway and three-quarters way through. The journey up the slope is not the only difficulty, the next test of endurance comes in being able to CONTINUE jogging AFTER the slope. Because very often, you target the end of the slope as your destination or goal, so after you reach your goal, there's hardly any motivation left to continue, not to mention any physical energy remaining.

It was at this point, jogging the distance after the slope when some thoughts struck me. I guess THE SLOPE could be likened to the TRIALS in life. And the whole jogging route? Our journey through life i suppose. There are times in our lives when the going would be more pleasant, the 'scenery' more captivating and the experience more enjoyable. There would also be times our surrounding environment would threaten to 'pollute' us, especially as christians in a worldly culture. Most of all, there would definitely be times of trials, where we slog and plod on wishing that the trials would just end, just like that slope. And the more i thought about what that slope was doing to me, the more likeness i saw between trials and the slope.

I always say 'conquering' a slope is more about mental strength and motivation than about fitness. Of course, fitness does play a part to some extent. But the mind is needed to give that added boost sometimes. And the same goes with life. At some point when i was running up the slope, my lungs felt like they were going to burst and my legs had turned to lead. I would have given up and walked if it weren't for my mind, pushing me on. And i found that one of the ways i push myself, is to set a target for myself. I pick a specific point that i die die have to reach before i allow myself to walk or stop. Somehow, i've never stopped before my 'destination'. And i think, in life that helps too. To set targets for ourselves to achieve before allowing ourselves to give up. At least, we'd be able to say we tried. The less we push ourselves to overcome the obstacle, the longer we'd stay in our troubles. But if we just press on and tell ourselves it CAN be done, the sooner we can get over the problem. We have to make an effort. And in doing so, we build ourselves, our bodies and mind up, so that the next time trials come along, we're all the better for it.

At the end of the slope, i pushed myself on and refused to allow myself to stop. I set a second target, by timing this time. Not allowing any stops till i had jogged a certain length of time. And even though this time i was running on level ground, my lungs were still suffering the effects of the slope. My breathing became laborious. It was no longer as easy as before the slope. I thought to myself,"Yes, trials are the same. It doesn't mean that things will become a bed of roses straight away." Sometimes we have to 'suffer'the after-effects of the 'slope' for a while. Like in breaking up, dealing with a hard-to-handle situation, handling relationships around us etc. Things often don't go back to normal. But then, as i continued running, the pain in my ribs started to subside. And then some time later, it went away. The pain we suffer in life will eventually go away. We'll remember it, but not quite in the same way as when we first struggled with it. It'll become a blurry haze in your memory. Just like it did mine.

Then again, I'm a Dory.
 
18 July 2005
posted by j at 7/18/2005 05:26:00 PM

Have been down with flu, sorethroat and cough for almost 3 weeks now. Barely recovered from a bout of gastric trouble when the flu bug attacked mercilessly. It was slow in approaching - could see it coming in the distance - and when the battle started, the Enemy turned out to be more resilient than i thought. In just a few days, though i fought valiantly whilst armed with a bottle of acid-free vitamin C, I was sorely defeated by the Enemy who allied itself with LACK OF REST and LACK OF MOTIVATION TO WORK, both the result of consecutive days of having to do GCE N level oral after school hours on top of the usual day's crap. Of course, being the usual talker/charmer i am, not being able to spout my usual nonsense rather took the wind out of my sails.

Hence, last last fri marked the end of my valiant battle with the Enemy. With my tail between my legs, i crept to the doctor's office to seek aid. I was worried. I needed my voice. It was my good friend, my means of communication and, not to mention, my weapon against THE PESTS. Yah well, it was a necessary tool for work too, being the educator i am. On top of those, i needed my voice back soon because i was supposed to sing backup for Music Sunday. Think singing is more than JUST singing to me.

I was a good patient. Really, i was. I took each dosage of medication faithfully to the dot. I stayed away from cold water. (people who know me would know that 90% of the beverage i take is COLD. The other 10% is HOT. I NEVER take lukewarm, almost. Read the bible for why...hahaha...just kidding) I stayed away from chilli. (people who know me would also know i have to have chilli for almost everything i eat except like economic rice and bread) I stayed away from fried stuff, in fact i had porridge and bread almost everyday for a week or more. I stayed away from ice-cream and chocolate, which incidentally is top on my chart for combatting depression as well as a winner on my MUST EAT chart. I also stayed away from jogging. (I jog several times a week generally) Most of all, i stayed away from PAO PAO CHA......=(

By monday, i'd finished almost all my medication. My cough was no better. My respiratory system felt chockful of mucus and phlegm (which are essentially the same sticky substance rite?), even my ears were blocked for a good whole week! Can u imagine having your ears especially stuck just from taking a lift down?? In a HDB flat, no less!! It didn't help that that was the week Jacob Prasch, a Jewish speaker was in town for a seminar. It felt real queer with my ears blocked and buzzing the whole time. I couldn't breathe deeply and i couldn't speak very loudly in class. THE PESTS were sympathetic for only like 5 min of the entire lesson, after which the usual antics resumed. Sigh. So back i went to the doc's.

Seriously, the last thing i'd want to do is cast any doubt or blame on my fellow kind. The more gifted kind, that is, according to Minority Report. Which kind is that? The female kind of course! Haha... No, but really, both my visits to that particular clinic really made me lose faith in female doctors. Both times i was diagnosed by two different female doctors. They both gave me different medication. None worked. By the end of the 2nd week, i was still sick. I did get slightly better though. At least, good enough to sing for Music Sunday, thank God. It was really God's grace. I told Him that if He didn't mean for me to sing, then so be it. I'd just have to deal with the disappointment. But i asked for God to somehow allow me to sing if possible. And He did.

Sat i decided my inactivity was enough. I played tennis and then on Sunday, which was yesterday, i went jogging. I'm still coughing, yes, but my system's alot clearer now. Am taking some anti-cough tea and some (what michelle calls) 'old man sweet' for the throat. Felt good to run after almost 3 weeks of illness. Some thoughts came to me as i was running. More later...
 
13 July 2005
posted by j at 7/13/2005 11:20:00 AM

Always wondered how people 'diagnose' people's personalities from simple, sometimes even seemingly unrelated questions...Got one off a student and tried it for fun. I wouldn't bet on it with my life, but i'd say some parts ring true. Take it with a pinch of salt if you wish =) Certain parts have got me thinking, so i guess anything that causes u to reflect on ur life can't be all that bad. Just dun take it too seriously ya?

Took the test and this is the result. What d'ya think??

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.


Try the test?
 
10 July 2005
posted by j at 7/10/2005 07:05:00 PM

There was a time, not too long ago, when i gave thanks to God for the gift of your friendship. You were a very dear friend, though i never said it to you before. I marvelled, each time i looked back upon the past, at how God managed to change our hostile, icy relationship into one of closeness and comfortable familiarity. There were times we could talk for hours on end. We were both willing, to spend that time talking into wee hours of the morning, though it meant suffering for the lack of sleep the very next day. I took comfort, knowing that i had at least one friend with whom i didn't need to spend regular time and yet would be there for me if i needed. We were both busy, running here and there, doing this and that. But in the rare moments we could find to meet or talk, the source from which our conversation topics came never dried up. It was good knowing i had someone like you, someone i would never lose just because i neglected to spend time with you.

We could talk about anything and everything. In many ways, we thought alike. We agreed on lots of things. I didn't need to explain very much for you to understand what i meant because those things would have occured to you too. I remember how you confided in me about your first relationship. It was secret and it was something people would frown upon. But you told me anyway. I tried to be that friend that you needed me to be, a friend who didn't condemn you but gently reminded you of what you ought to do. And i was glad, yes, even proud of you, when you made the firm decision to do what was right in God's eyes. I know how difficult it must have been to part with him, but you did it anyway. I was proud of the strength you had, the determination to go thru with it, and the conviction that doing what was pleasing to God was the only way to go. I saw how you grew in many ways, spiritually and emotionally, and how in many ways you chose to put God and His Word first in your life.

Yes, our friendship meant a lot to me. So much, that even when it wasn't my fault, i didn't hesitate to approach you first to reconcile things. I knew you were passive, so i always made the first move, just so our friendship would continue. But you know, inside it kinda hurt. It made me wonder if our friendship meant anything to you, whether it was worth as much to you as it did to me. When opportunities to meet up naturally at church became less, when it seemed that unless we made it a point to meet up we would never get a chance to speak, I took the initiative to ask you out from time to time. Just so we could keep things going. Even if it meant meeting up only a few times a year, it was good enough for me. But it got difficult. You became busier and busier. Sometimes, it felt like i was doing all the work, and you didn't seem interested nor did you reciprocate very much. In dismay and discouragement, i wrote you a letter. I confessed how tiring it felt to be doing all the work in maintaining our friendship. You read it, and though you never said it, i believe it touched you enough to do something about it. I was overjoyed when, not too soon after, you took the initiative to ask me out for dinner. It was more than just a dinner to me. It was your way of saying our friendship meant enough for you to work at it. We did things like shopping at jb, watching movies others wouldnt normally watch, renting vcds, jogging and eating. I was glad i had you. And i thought, perhaps, you were glad to have me.

It wasn't until certain things happened, that i began to realize how little our friendship meant to you. Sometimes, it isn't enough for friends to just spend time together. The true test comes when conflicts arise. There are times when friends need to stand up for each other. Times when there is nothing else to do but to trust in your friend's character. Times when you need to defend your friend and say, "She is not that kind of person. I choose to believe her." Times when you choose to believe in the best and not the worst. Times you need to put down your pride and seek reconciliation because your friendship is too important to put on the line. Yes, i needed all these things from you from time to time. In the decade or so that we have known each other, i thought we had been through enough to warrant those actions of love. But, i guess i thought wrong. I suppose i should have known the truth when it seemed that meeting up and clearing up stupid misunderstandings were too much work for you.

You know what? I didn't need you to buy me presents, nor go on holidays and shopping sprees with me. That would have been nice, but the best thing you could have done for me was simply to believe in me. I just needed you to believe in my character, to trust in me as a friend. I needed you, in the face of misunderstandings and conflict, to stand on my side and defend me, even if there was no evidence. Instead, for reasons which elude me, you somehow always choose to believe others, to believe the worst of me, until i came to clear things up with you. It says something, you know. It really does. It pains me to know that you would rather believe the worst of me. It pains me even more to see, that after believing the worst of me, you'd rather keep it to yourself, than to clear things up with me in a bid to safeguard our friendship.

I'm tired. I really am. Working on a friendship alone is very exhausting work. So, i've decided to give up. Why continue to struggle alone when it doesn't mean anything to you? The last incident has finally opened my eyes to see the truth. Whenever there was any conflict of interests, whenever it involved taking a side, you've never chosen to take mine. I cannot go on like this. It hurts too much. And so, i've decided to say goodbye. Never again will i take the initiative to ask you out, nor will i put in any more energy into something that will not bear fruit. This way, i no longer have the right to expect you to trust my character or to believe in me. I think it will be easier this way. I know you will never read this, you've never taken much interest in my affairs. I know you've even lost the address to this place, and i know you will not bother to ask for the address again. It's ok. Because i've decided to say goodbye.

I'm sorry you didn't think i was worth the effort. Sorry the friendship didn't mean much to you. Sorry my character isn't worth your defending. Sorry you could never find reason to trust nor believe in me. Sorry whatever we had always paled in comparison to what you have with him. But i guess i shouldn't be sorry that it came to this. God knows i've tried my best. Maybe i was too presumptious to even think that what we had was more than what normal friends had. Perhaps it was always wishful thinking on my part.

So, it is with deep sorrow, yet without regrets, that i lay this burden down. I shall forevermore bury the memories we shared, deep in my heart. From this moment, i shall cease to carry this burden on my shoulders alone. The struggle shall end here and now. In Him and Him alone, will I find my peace. Goodbye.
 
06 July 2005
posted by j at 7/06/2005 12:59:00 PM

...giving that which we can ill-afford




(hit me at abt 10am sat.)
 
05 July 2005
posted by j at 7/05/2005 09:31:00 AM

Since young, i've always, consciously or unconsciously, viewed crying as a weakness. I'm not saying it's right, and i've no idea how that came about, but i do remember restraining my tears as a child in front of my parents during each scolding. I'd only cry in the safe confines of my bedroom. No matter what, i'd always try not to cry in front of others. Think few people have witnessed me crying. Those who have were privileged. Heh. (Disclaimer: Crying during tear-jerking korean/jap movies SOoo does not count.)

Somehow, along the way, I started to be aware that, albeit unwittingly, i actually looked down on people who cried easily. I'm not saying people can't cry. I do get touched and upset when i witness some people cry in one of those rare moments of grief. But i dislike it when people use tears to get what they want or use it as a defense mechanism. That, to me, is underhand and manipulative. Weak. Because the person cannot think of a better, more constructive way to react.

I remember when i was in kindergarten, during the first few days of school, other children were accompanied to school by their parents, while i was brought to school by my grandma. While other parents stood by the windows peering in for quite a few hours, some for the entire day, i was firmly left in school by Grandma, who always turned to leave almost immediately after. There was no one to stand at the windows to watch how i was doing. And i think i did ok, even so. I remember one boy in particular from kindrgarten. He was always crying. If he turned round and could not spot his mother at the windows, he'd burst into tears. Even when all other parents had started to trickle home, his poor mother was forced to stand at the window till her child was ready to go home. I rem feeling sorry for the mother who couldn't not even safely go to pee. But more than that, I rem feeling disdain and scorn for the one child who couldn't be weaned off his mum. Scary huh? I must have been a terrible child. Years later, i met him and his mum at my block. I dunno if it was my imagination, but his eyes looks really slitty and swollen. I rem thinking to myself, "Must be the result of all that crying...now he looks permanently like that...". Now, as an adult, i understand that the parent is as much to blame as the child if he/she behaves like that. Really. I see that the child is using his tears to get his way.

Decades later, i meet another one such person. For children to use tears to manipulate others is one thing. For an adult to do so is entirely another issue. The person previously mentioned in my post is one who uses tears effectively to her advantage. I didn't know this till recently (actually most times i dunno things that happen till much much later...i pride myself on not being in the know. heh)...it seems she's been going to the HODs to cry about her problems, hence getting off the hook for many things. Even when her class was difficult to manage, she just burst into tears and things were managed for her, somehow. After my indignation at the unfairness of it all, later that afternoon i had to attend a briefing with her. She acted as per normal, without a trace of being apologetic nor grateful that someone else had to carry her burden. I had not yet officially assumed her position, so when questioned by the usher at the door if i was an examiner or a reserve, i was momentarily stumped. She, however, pops out of nowhere and cheerfully told the lady that SHE was the reserve while i was the real thing. My blood rather boiled at that point of time. Being the type of person i am, i could not help but show some hostility. I mean, i didn't scratch her eyes out or anything. I just wasn't my usual jovial and talkative self. But, can u blame me?? I'm the kind whose mood is written all over my face. Can't hide things even if i wanted to. She's lucky i even responded to her, given the murderous thoughts i was having in my head. Yeah well, so i just grunted as a response to her questions, but at least i didn't just keep quiet.

Anyways, if i had thought that was the end of the saga, i was wrong. The next day, my HOD suddenly came to speak to me about the oral again. As she spoke, it dawned upon me that THAT WOMAN had gone once again to the HOD and spoken about my icyness towards her. She'd 'confessed' that she felt bad about making me do the job (Dunno why she doesnt tell me that herself if she really felt that bad) and she'd...guess wat?...burst into tears again, in front of the HOD. What a baby???! And she's at least a decade older and a mother of 3?? This is BEYOND RIDICULOUS!! Man....

Anyways, i told my HOD very frankly that i wasn't too happy that she'd tried to shirk her responsibility. I think she was understanding enough. In fact, when THAT WOMAN told her she felt bad, my HOD told her to translate that into action. (i.e. to take over at least 2 days out of the 8 she was handing to me). Thank God for good superiors.

I've kind of gotten over things, in the sense that i'm trying to look on the bright side. I do get some money out of it. Altho it isn't much. And i'm forced to leave school earlier. So well... Just do my best lor. I've also given up being icy. I mean, there's a limit to how long u can stay angry. And i figure i'd be more tired out from being angry, and it wouldn't even affect her in any way. So wats the point?

In spite of reconciling myself to all these, i think my stand is the same with regards to crybabies. Whether it was a notion in my youth or a stubborness in my adulthood, i think this one will stick. Only a coward would seek solace and solution in tears. Getting what you want thru turning on the tap is just NOT the way to go.