Dunno what to post...but felt pressured to post before midnight passes. Thought long and hard. What should i say? I racked my brains for something inspiring...none. Something sweet? Touching? None comes to mind. Something captivating? Entertaining? No such luck. Well, then what am i doing here??

Birthdays aren't important to everyone. To some, it's just like any other ordinary day. And there's nothing wrong with that. I asked myself, "Is my birthday a big deal to me?" I thought about it honestly. While i don't expect to be treated like some big shot, i guess i'd be disappointed and depressed maybe, if nobody remembered. And i asked myself again, "Why? Why do i hope people would remember?" Perhaps in some strange way, i've come to associate my birthday as an essential part of me. To put it in a self-centred way, perhaps i hope people remember my birthday because that would show me how much i mean to others.

Sounds egoistic huh? I dunno if somewhere down the line, i'd slowly come to stop thinking of birthdays in such a way. In a way, all these ties in with my relationship with the people around me. If i meant nothing to people around me, i think i would have partially lived in vain. Sure, we can say that we live for God, and we do. But we cannot separate our lives in Christ from our horizontal relationship with others. If i found that i meant nothing to others, i'd start asking myself, "What have i done wrong in my relationship with my family and friends?" In the same way, i'd wonder that about my relationship with my students.

Every year, for the longest time i can remember, my birthday has always fallen on the day of the Teachers' Day celebration in school. And since i became a teacher soon after i stopped being a student, i've almost always had a holiday a day after my birthday. Cool huh? Yeah, it's like the whole school celebrates my birthday with me. While i know Teachers' Day has been largely commercialized, i do look forward to receiving gifts and cards, in particular, from my students. It's not that i enjoy seeing my students spend money on me, but their response shows me to some extent, if i've done right so far, if u know wat i mean.

Words speak to me a lot. Perhaps even more so as i get older. Somehow, i treasure them even more as i age. Yet, the irony is, though our language abilities are supposed to be better as an adult, the less we write to one another. It's as if gifts replace the words we wanna say. I myself, am guilty of that. I guess it's all a result of laziness. Love reading cards and letters...received a small but dainty bottle of green stars from a sec 1 boy today...It came with a hand-drawn picture, coloured meticulously in colour pencils...Behind was written, "Dear...., happy teacher's day...You are a good teacher but you are too strict..Haha." I laughed as i read this. Further down the card was this "p.s. I made the stars myself, until now my fingers all swollen." I was really touched. This was a quiet boy i hardly spoke to because he didn't give me any problems. I was touched because i knew he had put in a lot of effort and thought into the gift. And though it didn't cost him much financially, it cost him a lot in other ways, and that meant more to me than anything else. In times like this, even if it happens just once a year, it makes all the crap we teachers have had all worthwhile =)

At this point, i scrolled up to scrutinise what i've written, and realize there doesn't seem to be any theme or order. Sorry if i've scrambled your brains or bored you in the process. Just wanted to pen down some thoughts.

Last thought in my head before i go to bed. As i get older, i've come to be more aware of the importance of friends in my life. Not just frens, but christian frens. As precious as diamonds you guys are to me, but even more so, because you help me grow, and you make life's journey all the more interesting and worth living. I love you all very much, though i may not always say or show it. *MUAKS!*

More tomorrow...too tired to think. The old lady needs her rest.

All were busy preparing for the school's official opening ceremony in a week's time. The teacher in charge of training the emcees, let's call her V, asks a HOD about a certain guest-of-honour...

V: Hey, how do we pronounce his name ah?

HOD: His name is C-H-A-N-G what....

V: Yah la! HOw to pronounce?? Is it 'chairng' or is it 'charng'?

HOD: Charng lah! Charng as in 'BAH-CHARNG' (rice dumpling) LAH!

V: ????

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Another group of teachers were busy preparing for another aspect of the school's opening ceremony. One was worried the landscaping of the school wouldn't be done in time...

T: eh! How long the cement take to dry ah?

S: How i know??

T: (asks another)eh bro! How long the cement take to dry ah?

R: I dunno man bro, but i know how long semen takes to dry...

(Mad laughter...)

Such is the environment i work in...sigh

...captivates me...not sure why....

Why I love him so...



He would climb the highest mountains and trudge the dirtiest trails for me...



Treats me like a queen...(oh..and he's just the right age too...*grin*)



...and carry me on his back when I am too tired...



He's not only a team player...



...he plays sports...



...and kicks one MEAN football...*sighs and swoons*



He's easygoing, flexible, and has a sense of humour...



He's not only a gentleman...



...he's gentle by nature...



...and is willing to join hands with others to help people when necessary...



He's an artist! oh, what a charm...



Such lovely pictures he paints, that shows not just talent but brains...



and not just brains, but brawn as well...



...oh, what strength, what resilence...



But you know what's the sweetest thing of all?



I bet he'll let me pull his ears once in a while...just as a show of endearment... =)



My new love...

...beyond the farthest star

How excellent Your Name in all the earth...

Why? Let me clarify, this post is not intended to answer the above question. If anything, the post might even baffle your mind more. i'm not given to orderliness, nor do i particularly feel obliged to organize my random thought patterns into something more readable for the cyber audience. So, i wash my hands of any responsibility whatsoever to any jumbling or brain-damage that any of my posts might cause.

Why is it when i do certain things, i'm reminded of certain people? It's as natural as thinking of bread and butter as a single entity, egg omelette and cai po, CNY and ba kwa, amy yip and ...u know...

And yet, the thing is, it's not as if i dun do these same activities with other people, i do. It's not even because it was the first time or anything like that. It could be a perfectly random number in the equation, a perfectly normal, un-extraordinary day and yet it sticks in your mind and could be captured on your 'mind-film' as a perfect day.

How does association take place in your brain? How does it all work? Is there a perfectly logical explanation to how our brains work? Then why do one's brain work differently from others'? Does it all mean anything?

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I thought of you today
What does it mean?
Why do i think of you?

I think of you whenever i go to the beach
I remember the time we went rollerblading
That one and only time

I remember you when it rains
How we were racing back in a storm
How we had to stop halfway, with me drenched but happy

I think of how easy it was working with you
Once, a long long time ago, or so it seems
It's never difficult somehow

I remember the pleasant surprise
From realising you were not who you seemed
And how easy it was talking with you

I think of the journeys we made
That never seemed too difficult because you were there
It always seemed to end all too soon

I remember the walks after
The comfortable conversation
The easy laughter

But then there were also the hopes and longings
They were hard to deal with
The disappointments which were inevitable

The one and only time it seemed you asked me out
Only to cancel mysteriously after
Pride stopped me from asking why

I could not help but wonder
I wanted to know, but didn't
So i went away, in a way you did not know or realise

Perhaps God has another purpose
Perhaps it is not time
Perhaps i'm not good enough

Perhaps your heart belongs to another
Perhaps i'll never know
But i wonder, when will i stop thinking of you?

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Disclaimer:
This is not a poem of sorts. I've never really taken Literature proper so i've no idea HOW to write a poem. As such, this is NOT one. DO NOT mistake it as a badly written one. Heh.

It's strange how the impending coming of a certain day in the year gets you thinking. It's almost as if it is a must to start contemplating life as it is when you add a candle to THE cake. In all honesty, i'm anything but profound. But i do get random thoughts popping into my head now and then. And it makes me wonder. If i'm not too lazy, i might just get down to piecing these stray ideas together to see if they form any patterns or see whether analysing them gives me any interestng ideas. Here are some things that came my way in the last couple of weeks or so. I might have mentioned some of these to some of you guys at some point of time.

1. why do memories attach themselves to certain people in your life?
2. does the way you run indicate your character or attitude in life?
3. why do you remember some things and not others? even seemingly unimportant, minute and irrelevant stuff you just dun see how it could possibly matter to anything or anyone.
4. did i get stronger emotionally at all over the years?
5. if there weren't any important events/dates in the year, would i ever sit down and wonder if all my time and energy in this world came to naught?
6. how in the world did i find the courage to end something in my life a year ago, just before my birthday?
7. how many birthdays will i spend without a significant half?
8. what will things be like 5 years from now?
9. am i really cut out for teaching? why do i always feel i dunno wat i'm doing and therefore making my students suffer for my incompetency?
10. is there a RIGHT job out there for me? what??
11. why do some people find it so easy to take the "steady, slow and easy wins the race" approach to life, while others flounder through with the "fast and buffet, over and over again" approach? Is the former naturally the way to go?
12. can everyone go into missions? is it only a matter of the heart/willingness? Can anyone not be "cut-out" for it?
13. is it possible that God made you in such a way that you are attracted only to a certain type of person, and yet this same type of person is the type that will not be attracted to you?? that's not how celibacy comes into the picture right??

Have i made your head spin? Think i should stop at 13. Will share with you some of my thoughts on some of these questions in the next few entries...

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!!!

There are thieves in the staff room!! What kind of teacher steals??? ARRRGRHHH!

I'm highly affronted and indignant and horrified right now. Yesterday, i left a packet of Vitasoy in the pantry refrigerator (When i start bringing soyabean to school, it usually means i'm on another mission to lose weight unsuccessfully...anyways, back to the main point...)...where was i? Oh yah, so i left a packet of soyabean in the fridge right, and today i go to the fridge to get my beloved drink so that i wun be tempted to binge cos i'm so hungry....and lo and behold! what do u see?? The fact that SOMEONE has DRUNK MY SOYA BEAN! THE FIEND! And that person didn't just take my drink and go off to finish it....NOOOooooo....he/she had to drink PART of it, leave the straw in the packet, and stick the drink BACK INTO THE FRIDGE to SPITE ME!! SO now i can SEE the drink, but i just CAN'T DRINK IT!! ARRGGGHhhh.....so angry.

My colleague asked why i din label it. I mean, i assumed that things would be safe amongst teachers lor!! How would i know teachers can be so...sooo....sooooo....arrgrgh.....dunno wat to say. I WANT MY DRINK!! hungry all the time these days...i just gotta stop eating...

*SOB!* =(

console me quick...

From the naughtiest girl in one class...

"She is a teacher in ..... Her clothes are all branded. Her hair is around her shoulder length. She has a pair of ear ring. Last time, she used to wear shoe everyday but nowaday she wears high-heel shoe. Her class is full of noisy girls and boys. She have a lot of patience but if she get angry it will be so terrifily. She teaches two sec one level class. A class that is both noisy..."

From a boy relatively good in English, from another class...

"She is a very strict teacher. Altough strict, she is good at teaching and treats students well. If we do not bring our work, she will punish us severely. She is also good at sports. She has medium length hair and a fierce face. When she is teaching, she expects us to keep quiet and listen to her talking. She also does not like to repeat her instructions. She sometimes gives us quite a lot of homework. She is very concerned about our exams. She gives us a lot of notes to prepare us for our exams. She oftenly comes late for lesson but just by a few minutes."

Accurate?

A leery old man asks a young lady,"How many boyfriends you have?"
"Oh, in my whole life, only one lah..."
"Really not?? Don't bluff lah...A pretty girl like you, how can only have one?? Must have like ten or more!"
"Need so many for what? One is enough lah.."
"If i were you, i will have more than ten...such a nice and pretty girl..."

----At this point, my goosebumps were doing the marikita...

2 female teachers were trying in vain to trace a particular book.
"Which blue book are you talking about? Is it this one?"
"No lah...it's a DARK blue book, not this LIGHT BLUE one.."
"Don't have lah, are you sure you gave it to me?"
"I think so leh, beginning of this year i gave it to someone..."
" Are you sure it's me? No lah...not me lah..."
"It's you lah..."
"No it's not me..."
"It's you, it's you... *pauses, then breaks into song* It's YOU! it's YOU! It's YOU who built community. It's you! it's you! it's you who built community... It's you...Hahahahahahaaaa...."

----Lameness of this level has got to be the result of work stress...

An irate teacher complains to another amused teacher about her form class..
"You know my class ah? Problem with excessive vulgarity right?? So just now, i went to class with only my markers, slammed the markers down on the table and made them all stand up. I shouted at them,"ok! U like to say vulgarities right! Ok i give you all these markers. You want to sit down? You come get a marker and write a vulgarity big big on the board!" Nobody dared move. "QUICK!! HURRY UP LAH!! WRITE!!" Nobody dared to move or sit down. They just stood there the whole period lor!"
*Evil laughter*

----Hey, teachers must have their fun too musn't they?

2 malay teachers were in the midst of a conversation, when i went over and sat next to them. The lady turned to me and complained,"J you see lah! This R keeps talking about sex, so disgusting..." In one of my few placid moods then, i turned to R and said knowledgeably,"You ah...What comes out of your mouth is a manifestation of what's in your mind..." But before that had time to sink in, the lady colleague spluttered,"WHAT??! What comes out of your mouth is a manifestation of your BEHIND??" ....... *Mad laughter*

----With the ridiculously high level of noise in the classrooms, can you blame teachers for going deaf?

Remember the phrase i blogged about? "Man and Woman Must Sign Contract"? Well, today i introduced it to my sec 1 class so they too would rem. I asked them what contract i was referring to, and you know what they said? Divorce...

Talked to many students and that is the sad fact about society and the new generation these days. I came from a relatively good school, where these things were rare and seldom talked about, if any. So now that i'm a teacher in a neighbourhood school, the differences are rather stark. I have students whose parents are not only divorced, but have also individually married other people. I have students who long to see their siblings but can't because his/her brother or sister lives with the other parent, who refuses any sort of contact between siblings. I have students whose parents are separated because one party is in jail for doing drugs.... So many cases...and the one who is the real victim is always the child.

Every term, there are reports of students dropping out of school or complaints from parents who say they can no longer control their kids and are going to court for that reason. Students are starting bgr as early as in primary school and getting more than just distracted. Feel sorry for the students...but also frustrated when lessons get difficult. Sometimes i think the students really ought to also put themselves in their teachers' shoes. It really isn't easy teaching 40 kids when many are often uncooperative (don't bring work, don't do work, can't stop talking, make crude jokes while teachers talk...) Yet, I also recognise that for some of them, life isn't too great for them either. It's a vicious cycle.

I know the root of it all originated from the Fall. I know also, that things will only get worse everywhere. The bible already tells us so. We just have to try our best to make the best out of the situation, no matter how bad it may be, and to be a good testimony in whatever capacity we have. But THAT is the difficult part...

I'm convinced that a large part of the change in the grain of society has to do with the difference in the way our children are being brought up. Too many children are not getting the attention and 'home-schooling' they need from their parents. Althought we are getting more affluent, the strife to earn more remains. It's the all-too-familiar story again and again. Children are given money and material things as a substitute for the time and attention that parents can no longer give. I am impressed with the parents i know who have been able to see the importance of spending time with their children, to the extent of arranging their jobs AROUND their children, rather than making their jobs the center of their lives. And i'm convicted that it all makes a big difference in the way their kids turn out.

My aunt is a role model to me. She has 3 children and she is a homemaker. She could have continued in her career as an interior designer but she gave it all up when she became a mother. Today, she enjoys a close relationship with all 3 children. Her eldest son is in the army right now. All through puberty, in spite of his quiet nature, he has been and still is close to his mom. He is able to share with her personal thoughts about bgr and ambition. Even now, my aunt knows all about his army life because they are close enough to talk about everything. I know many other mothers who are close to their children because they were willing to give up their jobs or switch to flexi-hours to accomodate their role as a mother. I can see that their children are a pride and joy to them, and rightly so, because i would be too if i were them. It is a worthy investment to make. Kudos to all such mothers...someday i'd like to be able to do that too, if God permits.