Ever wondered if perhaps your life is really just a cyclical repeat of certain all-too-familiar patterns? That maybe the vaguely interesting life you have is really just the same story being repeated in slight variations. Sometimes, when i get into a slump, i am reminded of how similar this slump is to the previous one, and the one before that...Sometimes it makes me think i'm just doing something wrong over and over again.

Sometimes i wish i were the type whose head ruled over my heart. Then i'd probably not get into as many scrapes as i do and get burnt so many times. Sometimes it's really like what the Bible says. I do what i ought not do and i don't do what i know i ought to do. Many times i get the feeling that because God knows how useless i am at making the right decision, He often just makes decisions for me, or makes it such that the situation allows for no other choice. Just so i couldn't make the wrong decision even if i wanted to. I guess i should have nothing to complain about then. But what i don't understand is why, when i give up hoping that something will happen (that i deem is not right, yet i still wish something would come out of it - a sinner i am) because the situation doesn't allow otherwise, then it seems that the situation turns itself round and gives me false hope once again. It's almost like some cruel, invisible hand is playing me like a yo-yo. Like someone holding a hand out to me, then withdrawing. And when u slowly but painfully come to terms with it, the hand seems to come back out again, tempting and giving hope. And though it could, in all likelihood, be a false hope, I still yearn to take that hand. I always ask myself, why oh why, can i not bring myself to just turn my face away from what could potentially hurt? Even such a small glimmer of hope is sufficient to make me lose my head. Sux.

Somebody somewhere is playing a cruel joke on me.

Don't want to think about things, nor talk, because i find that it doesn't seem to help me the way talking about other things help. Don't wanna feel condemned or judged either should i talk to anyone. Don't have the energy to do much either. Just feel like withering away into oblivion. Feel also like going away. Been thinking about going for further studies. Have always not had the guts to go abroad for so long, but think this might give me the pluck i need for a headstart. I dunno. Perhaps when i wake tomorrow, this desire would be far from my mind. Perhaps on another day, things will be beautiful again and i will no longer feel the need to leave. Maybe i'm just being weepy and dramatic. Arrrrgh! Dun wanna think anymore.

Lately, what with my dad's op and all, started talking with parents a lot about old times. For some reason, i've always assumed i was the well-behaved baby/child in the family, compared to my rascal-of-a-brother. Wasn't till recently i was told i was just as much of a pain to take care of as my bro. Heh. Wonder how i got the idea i was good....

Mum complained that they could never get any rest with me around. I would wake at 6am everyday, whether holiday or not. And when i woke, i made sure everyone else in the house was up together with me =). I managed to start walking pretty fast. It seemed i walked or scrambled from room to room waking my family up. (My grandma, uncle and aunt were living with us).

Had a curious nature as well. Had an insatiable urge to explore everything in the cupboards and drawers. Was told that once i got my hands on any open cupboard or drawer, i'd ransack them, pull out whatever was inside and play with them. I had a particular fascination for crockery. Loved biting spoons and clanging pots and pans. In fact, i refused to play with toys and hated dolls. Crockery was my thing. It's ironic the grown-up version of me can hardly cook.

Dad always got super tired taking care of me. I hardly slept so he could never grab a breather in the afternoons. Finally, he put two and two together and decided that the only way to get some sleep was to open the cupboards and ALLOW me to play with the things inside....HAH!

When i got big and strong enough to pull open drawers myself, new measures had to be taken to prevent ransacking. Get this, my parents actually screwed latches onto each drawer and locked them just so i couldn't yank them open. sheesh. Years later, i remember wondering why all the drawers at home had 4 tiny holes in them. Heh.

Other antics included falling on my face several times (yeah yeah u can say damage has been done..), grabbing a stuffed toy off the rack at a supermarket and refusing to let go till my parents paid for it and brought it home, and biting on the 'jail' that held me while my parents did housework till my teeth turned green. (The green paint on the baby cot came off in my mouth...) Mum said she thought i'd poisoned myself.

One of my greatest achievements as a baby was probably not succumbing to the same mode of transport other babies used to get around. While others crawled before they walked, i used my BUTT! While others got around using 4 points of contact with the ground, i got around on 3. My feet and butt. Basically, i navigated myself backwards, sliding myself around on my butt, using my legs/feet as a propeller. Then one fine day, i decided to stand up.

I actually feel quite amused with myself.

Anyways, the point of this is, i'm a restless little one. Always wondered where i got that part of my genes from. But since dad's hospital stay, i know now which block this chip is off.

The improvement from the day of the op to the next day was drastic and amazing. One day he was lying there motionless, mumbling incoherently to himself, unable to eat or move. The next day, he was ambling around, calling us to bug us about how come we weren't there to visit yet, moving his head, scratching around his wound vigorously and telling lengthy repetitons of his stories. (note: he'd just had a disc removed and another inserted into the lower portion of his neck, mind u) His greatest stunt that day came after he started complaining that there was no sound coming from his overhead tv. We pressed blindly on the remote control but to no avail, then gave up. What we didn't realize was that HE hadn't given up. I stepped outside for a while. Dad sat up on his bed and started removing the pile of newspapers lying on a nearby chair. And before mum could say "Rumpelstiltskin!", he had climbed onto the chair to adjust the problematic tv set... Sigh. Dunno what to say. He's so bored and restless the doc has decided to discharge him tomorrow. Heh.

Sooo...dad's coming home tmr. Which is very fast recovery, according to the doc. Thank God. Just hope there's enough at home to occupy him. He was VERY dismayed to find out he is not allowed to exercise till several months later. He'd better not sneak out to do funny things while we're at work man... Haiyoh!

vs.





What a contrast eh?

Jetty at Mersing early in the morning...



Tioman from the jetty...




Fascinating school of fish that stationed itself under a boat near the jetty. They didn't even look like they were moving at all...




Camera shy we are... taken with a new dive friend. Very nice da jie. Took good care of me =)



Speeding back to Mersing from Tioman...took this from a speedboat while the rest of the boat were in dreamland...

Happily (not to mention blindly) whacked my hand against a coral on my third dive.

Looks like i'm not just clumsy on land...

Wanna say a big thank-you to all of you for posting, calling or sms-ing your concern. Really appreciate it. Phone has been going off all day. Not that i'm complaining. Grateful for all the support.

Here's some updates in case you might wanna know. Dad's op took longer than expected. 6 hours instead of 3. That's cos the surgeon decided to remove the 'offensive' disc in the neck portion of my dad's spinal cord and replace it with an artificial one. Originally they hoped to simply fuse two of the vertebra together in order to reduce the pressing of the disc on the nerve. (don't ask me how it works..) That would have taken 3 hours. Anyways, dad seems fine. Why i say 'seem' is cos i have yet to see the doc in charge. He's been really hard to track down. Illusive, this guy is. Apparently, here's how it all works in the hospital: at the end of an op, if you don't see or hear the doc, it means all is well?? *shrug* I've given up asking the nurse when the doc is coming.

Meanwhile, dad is lying in the hospital bed with a neck brace, a drip bag (is that what u call it??), a urine bag and miscellaneous tubes weaving in and out of his body. Can't eat or drink (what would i do without my pao pao cha??), can't move, let alone go to the loo or shower. Can't turn his head either and can't watch tv. (the angle of his head is all wrong becos of the brace. Think he's gonna have a ball of a time memorising the ceiling)

When he can eat or walk or move or be discharged or receive visitors, i have NO IDEA. Blasted doctor....

Otherwise, he's fine =)

Thanks again all...

Dad's op is tomorrow morning...

For some reason, (and i find it strange) I didn't think of going to anyone for help or emotional support when the scare happened. It was only after i found out that it was a false alarm that i felt the need to release the urge i had to laugh and cry at the same time in another manner-to unload all that happened verbally to someone else. Guess that's how i feel most comfortable expressing myself.

Two persons popped into mind. Was not surprised at the first name, but the fact that the second came into mind, surprised me. Perhaps i even felt dismay with the realization. Does and should it matter who comes into mind? Does it mean anything?

Fear reveals what's in your heart.

This is something i experienced firsthand today. It is also how we react in times of fear that shows us where we stand with God and what place He holds in our lives. I think, in today's mini-test God had for me, I failed quite badly. It wasn't till i reflected afterward about how i failed to go immediately to God that i realized how little regard I have for God. Have to strive hard to achieve my new year resolution to run first to God.

Today, my mum called out of the blue and asked where my dad was. He was out and was apparently uncontactable. Mum said she received a msg from dad dated today, saying that he was in pain and was going to A&E. The msg also asked her to call him when she got the msg. So she called him but no one picked up. Tried calling him many times myself, but couldn't get him either. I panicked. Started to have all sorts of wild thoughts and started frightening myself. Even automatically started planning for what-ifs. Wondering how to cancel or postpone music practice for the night, who to get to drive dad's car home if it came to that, how to fetch mum home....etc. Even thought of calling NUH to find out if my dad was there. Got very stressed and bad-tempered. After 45 min of hu si luan xiang-ing, i finally got my dad on the phone...."WHERE ARE YOU??!" was what i greeted him with, in an almost high-pitched voice. Was so anxious. Turned out he was out jogging??!!? Wanted to scold him liao. JOGGING???! In his condition samore. Sigh. Then again, i think so i'm that kind too.

M1 has been playing some tricks on me. But this one really tops it all off.

The relief that washed over me just then was almost tangible. Could almost feel it slipping off. Yet, at the same time, i felt this ridiculous urge to laugh and cry and kick something. Then, almost immediately, i felt tired and drained. Getting too old for this kind of emotional roller coaster.

When I felt better able to think, i felt ashamed. And dismayed. Why had i not sought God first? My fear revealed my heart. My heart was not with God. I am discouraged and grieved. Is my faith so shallow? Nevertheless, i am resolved not to give up. I thank God for the revelation. I'm sorry i failed the test. But i will continue to try. To strive towards what i resolved to do at the beginning of the new year. To run to God first.

More and more, i'm beginning to find that it's getting so difficult to find people to do things with. As it was, when i first started attending the church that i'm presently attending, i found that none of the girls, apparently, were interested in engaging in the activities which i wanted to do! None wanted to play basketball and few liked inline-skating. In general, it seemed nobody (the girls) did any sports. Even now, it's a real difficulty dragging people down to jog with me. Few want to swim or play games. These days i'm having problem getting people to go for a diving course with me. Most who are willing are guys and even then, these ppl say they need mental preparation. Sigh.

Think so it's time to prepare myself for times i shall have to do everything on my own. Can no longer rely on the company of others. I think so too that as age catches up on me, people around are going to be finding their partners, and with that would come activities which i can no longer engage in together with them. It's time to prepare myself for the inevitable...

Dad's been discharged. On mc now but he's been going to work anyway to clear some stuff. Today he decided to stay home cos his arm was hurting again. Painkillers make him drowsy. His op is scheduled for the 22nd of this month. They're going to insert an artifical disc because his vertebrae is wearing out with time. Pls pray for the impending op...for skilful hands on the doctor's part, and relief from the pain...thanks.

Thanks to all who have msged me to ask about my dad. Really appreciate your concern. Thought I'd blog some details about my dad's admission so you guys won't worry unduly. As yet, nothing is confirmed. My dad suffered from a slipped disc earlier last year. It was rather an unusual part of the spine to injure cos usually ppl injure the lower portion of the back. He injured the upper portion. Hence, this affects the nerve in his left arm. Apparently, because of the slipped disc, one of the bones is impinging on a nerve in his arm, causing shooting pain. He went to hospital because of the pain. He's still warded in NUH now. On painkillers to keep away the pain. Meanwhile, he's pestering the doctor for an operation to solve the problem. The doc's still checking whether there are slots. As to details of the op, i'm not sure. Apparently my dad doesnt seem to know much either. Dunno if it's major or minor, dunno how long he'd be set back, dunno if it'll solve the problem entirely, dunno if there'll be implications, dunno how much it'll cost....

Just gotta pray...

Fleur looks into chocolate box with dismay...

My kit-kat's gone...
My snicker's gone...
My hazelnut chocs are gone...
And so are my choc chip cookies...

Oh well...at least there's ONE left...





OOoops...looks like there's only HALF the bar left...sigh






BAH! Looks like my fix is gone...time to go shopping for food...

My dad's in hospital.

For the first time i can remember, I wished so much that there was someone to drive me home. For the longest time, i've been the driver. I've driven people all over the country. Bedok, Changi, Chinatown, Ang Mo Kio, Alexandra, Bt Panjang... I've sat in the car watching friends weep and trying my best to be a friend to them in their time of need. I've zoomed straight to friends in trouble because i have the luxury and privilege of having quick and convenient access to a vehicle almost all the time. And i'm ok with all that. But for once in my life, I wish that someone else would zoom to me.

I wished very much, that yesterday someone could have gone to the hospital with me and helped drive my dad's car back for me and kept me company. (Dad managed to drive to hospital so I had to bring the car back) Sure, it wasn't a big problem having to take public transport down to the hospital, take my dad stuff, visit him and drive his car home. It really wasn't. But somehow, it felt, well... lonely. I didn't like the feeling of going to the hospital alone. Din like that my dad is there. Din like that people closest to me (in physical proximity) were unable to drive. Din like that the only one who could drive was not around. I'm not blaming anyone. It's just that the feeling, the situation just.....sucked. And suddenly, i just felt tired. Tired of being the chauffeur, tired of being the one to zoom to people, tired of giving, tired of being the last to get home all the time, tired of being taken for granted, tired of feeling the burden of responsiblity, tired that i seemed to be the only one interested in visiting dad, tired that my brother is away in hostel all the time and leaving me to bear the burden alone, tired that my mum would rather stay home and mark papers...

Tired of being the lonely driver...



p.s. It didn't help that my chocolate box at work is empty. (Yes, i keep a store of chocolate in a box for rainy days) Need my fix. Sigh.

p.p.s. G, i do appreciate ur calling and ur concern ok? it's not that i dun. It's just....different? I think u know wat i mean...

Have been quite upset with the recent baby saga. I mean, yes, I did hear about a new born babe being found in the rubbish chute. But never knew the details till yesterday. Heard it over the radio while jogging. Was especially shocked and upset to hear the baby had not only fallen 18 storeys, but had also been cut into 3... *shudder*...

Feel so, so, so sad for the baby....for the life it had that was so abruptly snuffed out in that instant of ...i dunno, impulse? fear? selfishness? HOW COULD the mother bear to kill her own flesh and blood, and in such a manner? Can an innocent, helpless little bundle be nothing more than rubbish in the eyes of the one who brought it into the world?

Was even more upset to hear the discussion that was going on air. The deejays were asking for 'hostelites' to call in and discuss the sexual scene on campus. One of the questions asked was whether these trysts in question were usually planned for or impulsive acts. It seems that they were usually planned, special occasions where the romantic ambience was usually created on purpose for such an affair. Yet, for some reason, no protection was taken into consideration to prevent tragedies from happening. Do people even think of the consequences of their action nowadays? As the discussion progressed, the deejay asked why protection was not enforced and whether anything could be done to promote safe sex. The response from the said caller was that protection was not enforced because it usually isn't convenient to get that protection, especially in the heat of the moment. The solution? Place 'vending machines' in strategic, convenient spots in the hostel to dispense the essential, yet frequently unused item. This, according the the caller, ensures the privacy of the customer and saves 'face', since the buyer would no longer have to queue and buy it over the counter in plain view of everyone else.

My thoughts? How did we progress from "No premarital sex" to "Have safe sex" and not only that, authorities may now even have to think of ways to bend over backwards to make it convenient for such activities to carry on. Many teachers now even say that it's no longer feasible and reasonable to ask or tell students not to have sex before marriage. They say, "Why tell them to do something they'd never be able to do? Why not just tell them to practise safe sex since u can't stop them from doing it?" Really, it actually sounds logical at times. Yet, something in me rebels against that. Are we supposed to shift our standards along with the shifting standards of modern society? Are we supposed to aim at educating students to do what is feasible and forget about the so-called unattainable? I really resent that. Am i being stubborn and a stick-in-the-mud? Am i reaching for the stars when i expect my students not to have pre-marital sex? I simply can't bring myself to reconcile with that. The horror of it all. And to top that off, i'm learning that even TEACHERS are having that "if you can't beat them, join them" stand. This came up during the time last year we form teachers had to do a sexuality education programme with the students. Needless to say, we had no training whatsoever and yet had to stride into the classroom and naturally engage in "Oh-such-an-easy-topic". I refused to budge from my stand. I insisted that such practices should not be done. I refused to talk about the advantages of using protection. Just can't bring myself too. I guess, even talking about such a possiblity makes it more likely (in my mind) that my students would engage in it. Perhaps i'm just a stubborn coward at heart, closing myself from realities of this world. Dunno anymore. Is it really just a nian dai thing? Is this cos i'm from a different era from youngsters these days?

Am i just a stubborn old mule?